As with yesterday’s post about the Five Best Movies of 2013, these are my bold predictions concerning this year’s crop of wide-release movies, based on nothing but online summaries, movie posters, and my own overconfidence. Should these films actually turn out okay, I’ll apologize, though not very sincerely, and only if they come to me first and explain why they’re not making quality films like The Sound of Music. Each entry is followed by its category identifier so you can dismiss it with greater aplomb (e.g., “oh, that’s just an action trash sequel…”).
Passion—Established actresses in a lesbian relationship. Critics will applaud the “brave” (i.e., “naked”) performances, but find issue with the plot, pacing, characterization, or lack of chemistry between the leads. It will do well on Redbox/Netflix. [Category: Famous actresses try for artistic nudity]
Escape from Planet Earth—A-level talent wades through 90 tedious, animated minutes of tired cultural clichés, potty humor, and double-entendres (to distract the adults). It’ll make good money if critics are generous enough to label it “safe, standard fare.” [Uninspired computer animation with a marketing plan]
Fast & Furious 6—Hot cars, loose women, stylized violence. Part 6. Created to satiate certain (ahem) cultural needs. [Action trash sequel, numbered 3 or later]
Grown-Ups 2—Adam Sandler has never really needed to raise his cinematic sights above the lowest common denominator because that audience’s money is just as good as anyone else’s—and often more freely given. Score another few million bucks for consistency. [Aging actors telling dirty jokes to prove they’re still young-n-hip]
The Last Stand—Retired lawman has to defend innocent people with lots of gunfire. Features a crazy sidekick, a romantic interest much younger than him, and a token black man someplace. Oh, and the “real” authorities are arrogant and inept. Surely that’s ironic, coming from a former governor? Or perhaps not. [Old action hero complains about being old while killing countless bad guys to show he's still manly]