Archive | November, 2012

Pros and Cons of Statehood for Palestine

29 Nov

Palestinian flag

Five reasons to oppose Palestinian statehood:

  1. Nobody actually knows—or will ever agree—what its boundaries are.
  2. The world has plenty of divisive, factional governments, and watching Fatah and Hamas battle through an election cycle would just be too depressing.
  3. The Palestinians probably won’t sell us any oil.
  4. Should this move bring increased peace to the region, the media will be forced to subject us to greater coverage of celebrity romances.
  5. With stability, those scrappy Palestinians might ramp up their export economy, further threatening the U.S. economy when their clothing, wine, etc. get trendy with leftist American snobs.

Five reasons to support Palestinian statehood:

  1. Israel and the U.S. will finally have a concrete government they can complain about/declare war on.
  2. They already have a flag.
  3. More than 300,000 Israeli settlers would suddenly have to account for their behavior.
  4. Maybe they’ll let the U.S. build an airbase there to protect the peace-loving Palestinians from Iranian incursions.
  5. Once subject to government regulations, the militants will be so overwhelmed by supplier bidding processes, taxes, environmental impact studies, and political red tape that they won’t have the time or funding to fire rockets at Israel.

Election Day Fear Mongering

6 Nov

Envisioning a Romney America vs. an Obama America

The Big Day. As voters stampede to the polls, with me in their midst, I thought we should conclude this election cycle with just one more solid dose of excessively ridiculous fear mongering. So, assuming ABC can find a replacement for the late Dick Clark to ensure New Year’s Day still arrives, here’s a look at what the future may hold for the republic.

Romney’s America

  1. Though hunted by the FCC and DEA, known underground radicals Bert and Ernie operate the “Sesame Cartel” to smuggle outlawed PBS Kids programming and Frontline episodes across state lines.
  2. The car-top dog lobby experiences a steady rise in power and influence inside the beltway.
  3. Left-leaning, anti-Romney pundits earn so much money from disgruntled liberals that they start benefitting from tax breaks for the rich.
  4. The 1% tax the 47% to pay off their supermansions currently in foreclosure. This leaves 33% of the remaining 52% to fund 82% of our free-market bailout tactics for close personal friends of the administration. Any of the leftover 31% still left standing get a refund of $4,300 (or half that for illegal aliens filing jointly) unless they are caught with a 20-ounce soft drink in New York City. (See U.S. tax code: TITLE 42, Subtitle GG, CHAPTER 361, Subchapter A, PART IX, Page 007).
  5. Obamacare will be canceled and replaced by something called RomneyCare® 2.0, but despite tens of millions of tax dollars spent on “consultants,” endless congressional bickering, and countless column-inches of journalistic commentary, the “unsustainable status quo” shall keep on truckin’ along.

Obama’s America

  1. We continue to move “forward” with “hope” at a growth rate of .7%.
  2. Straight, white males lose the right to vote.
  3. The administration approves the ATF’s “Fast and Furious II” program, which involves confiscating guns from American citizens, shipping them to tribal Afghans in exchange for raw opiates that—after being processed in China—are shipped back on military transport plans and used to flood the U.S. market, thereby dropping the street price, expanding the job market for addiction counselors, and putting the Mexican cartels out of business. The U.S. will then air-drop unemployed cartel gunmen into Syria to stop their civil war and eventually help broker a peace agreement between the Israelis and Palestinians, freeing up the Iranians to develop their peaceful nuclear-energy program and thereby spread peace, freedom, and cheap energy across the world to places such as North Korea. All this in time for midterm elections.
  4. The government taxes the 1% and the 47% a total of 100% to ensure the 52% won’t have to pay for Obamacare.
  5. Only colleges who fulfill the president’s expectations on his March Madness bracket will be granted federal subsidies.

Sure-Fire, Can’t-Miss Predictions No Matter the Outcome

  1. Unsubstantiated conspiracy theories stoke angry protests that sometimes spill into violence.
  2. Race becomes an issue.
  3. Mormonism gets the blame.
  4. The media fans every possible flame of discontent.
  5. The winning party “attempts to move ahead with the work of the people” while blaming the losing party for stonewalling progress.
  6. The electorate takes a full six months to expurgate the taste of dirty election politics from their lives, just in time to see a fresh batch of presidential hopefuls begin jostling into position for 2016.


Ready to Vote—But Conspiracy Theories Remain

5 Nov

Election Day Eve. As the electorate warms up its right to vote and the candidates barnstorm their way across the battleground, tension runs nearly as high as the vindictive rhetoric. Still, how the questions and speculation swirl!

Oh, the expectation is almost too much to handle.

Still unsure which one should get your vote? Check out these 12 ways to pick a candidate.

Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate

2 Nov
  1. Read through the unending stream of partisan tirades posted by your Facebook friends, and then flip a coin.
  2. Watch primetime network television for three straight hours, and then vote for the candidate whose commercials have annoyed you the least.
  3. Consult the stars. Or at least the PACs.
  4. Don’t vote—just mug some unsuspecting voter as they leave the polling place to swipe their “I voted” sticker.
  5. Choose the candidate whom the majority of your peers support, so that you’ll still have friends after the election.
  6. Re-watch the debates to determine which “looked most presidential” during the pose, bicker, pander, evening wear, and swimsuit competitions.
  7. Wait until the election comes out on video.
  8. Vote for the candidate with the best wife.
  9. Dismiss the president as a mere figurehead, and move ahead with your plans to infiltrate the Quantum organization so you can truly influence how the country is being run.
  10. Decide which hyperbolic epithet you prefer being labeled as—“corrupt, racist bigot” (Romney voter) or “baby-killing, Stalinist welfare lifer” (Obama voter).
  11. Choose the one who had the better March Madness brackets during the last four years.
  12. Write in the name of someone who would actually BE a great president.

Ignore the Impulse

1 Nov

When people first start blogging, they often begin with an extensive post detailing their internal debate about starting a blog and what their first topic will be, as if thousands of people are reading along (rather than just some NSA computer somewhere), all anxious to understand the writer’s motivations. These posts conclude by promising years of entertaining commentaries about their fascinating life, “so stay tuned!!!” Then the second post, if there is one, is about the emotional trial of choosing exactly the right visual theme to capture the essence of their multifaceted personality. Or, they just start posting dirty pictures first thing.

I will take the high road, and instead talk about something wholesome, exciting, and deeply relevant to our society. I haven’t figured out what that is yet, though, so stay tuned!!!