Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate

2 Nov
  1. Read through the unending stream of partisan tirades posted by your Facebook friends, and then flip a coin.
  2. Watch primetime network television for three straight hours, and then vote for the candidate whose commercials have annoyed you the least.
  3. Consult the stars. Or at least the PACs.
  4. Don’t vote—just mug some unsuspecting voter as they leave the polling place to swipe their “I voted” sticker.
  5. Choose the candidate whom the majority of your peers support, so that you’ll still have friends after the election.
  6. Re-watch the debates to determine which “looked most presidential” during the pose, bicker, pander, evening wear, and swimsuit competitions.
  7. Wait until the election comes out on video.
  8. Vote for the candidate with the best wife.
  9. Dismiss the president as a mere figurehead, and move ahead with your plans to infiltrate the Quantum organization so you can truly influence how the country is being run.
  10. Decide which hyperbolic epithet you prefer being labeled as—“corrupt, racist bigot” (Romney voter) or “baby-killing, Stalinist welfare lifer” (Obama voter).
  11. Choose the one who had the better March Madness brackets during the last four years.
  12. Write in the name of someone who would actually BE a great president.

2 Responses to “Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate”


  1. Which Presidential Candidate Sucks The Most? Gum Election 2012Artsnapper - November 5, 2012

    […] Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate ( […]

  2. Ready to Vote—But Conspiracy Theories Remain « Maximum Know-How - November 5, 2012

    […] Still unsure which one should get your vote? Check out these 12 ways to pick a candidate. […]

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