Election Day Fear Mongering

6 Nov

Envisioning a Romney America vs. an Obama America

The Big Day. As voters stampede to the polls, with me in their midst, I thought we should conclude this election cycle with just one more solid dose of excessively ridiculous fear mongering. So, assuming ABC can find a replacement for the late Dick Clark to ensure New Year’s Day still arrives, here’s a look at what the future may hold for the republic.

Romney’s America

  1. Though hunted by the FCC and DEA, known underground radicals Bert and Ernie operate the “Sesame Cartel” to smuggle outlawed PBS Kids programming and Frontline episodes across state lines.
  2. The car-top dog lobby experiences a steady rise in power and influence inside the beltway.
  3. Left-leaning, anti-Romney pundits earn so much money from disgruntled liberals that they start benefitting from tax breaks for the rich.
  4. The 1% tax the 47% to pay off their supermansions currently in foreclosure. This leaves 33% of the remaining 52% to fund 82% of our free-market bailout tactics for close personal friends of the administration. Any of the leftover 31% still left standing get a refund of $4,300 (or half that for illegal aliens filing jointly) unless they are caught with a 20-ounce soft drink in New York City. (See U.S. tax code: TITLE 42, Subtitle GG, CHAPTER 361, Subchapter A, PART IX, Page 007).
  5. Obamacare will be canceled and replaced by something called RomneyCare® 2.0, but despite tens of millions of tax dollars spent on “consultants,” endless congressional bickering, and countless column-inches of journalistic commentary, the “unsustainable status quo” shall keep on truckin’ along.

Obama’s America

  1. We continue to move “forward” with “hope” at a growth rate of .7%.
  2. Straight, white males lose the right to vote.
  3. The administration approves the ATF’s “Fast and Furious II” program, which involves confiscating guns from American citizens, shipping them to tribal Afghans in exchange for raw opiates that—after being processed in China—are shipped back on military transport plans and used to flood the U.S. market, thereby dropping the street price, expanding the job market for addiction counselors, and putting the Mexican cartels out of business. The U.S. will then air-drop unemployed cartel gunmen into Syria to stop their civil war and eventually help broker a peace agreement between the Israelis and Palestinians, freeing up the Iranians to develop their peaceful nuclear-energy program and thereby spread peace, freedom, and cheap energy across the world to places such as North Korea. All this in time for midterm elections.
  4. The government taxes the 1% and the 47% a total of 100% to ensure the 52% won’t have to pay for Obamacare.
  5. Only colleges who fulfill the president’s expectations on his March Madness bracket will be granted federal subsidies.

Sure-Fire, Can’t-Miss Predictions No Matter the Outcome

  1. Unsubstantiated conspiracy theories stoke angry protests that sometimes spill into violence.
  2. Race becomes an issue.
  3. Mormonism gets the blame.
  4. The media fans every possible flame of discontent.
  5. The winning party “attempts to move ahead with the work of the people” while blaming the losing party for stonewalling progress.
  6. The electorate takes a full six months to expurgate the taste of dirty election politics from their lives, just in time to see a fresh batch of presidential hopefuls begin jostling into position for 2016.

 

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