What Did We Learn from Election 2012?

5 Dec

Election 2012: We have a winner!

Fueled by a solid month of reflection and a few counseling sessions, here’s my rundown of lessons learned during election 2012:

  1. Americans have too much money. We funneled $6 billion dollars into federal races that changed almost nothing, besides increasing our antipathy for political Facebook posts.
  2. Running a super-PAC is a great way to motivate people to send you money. But it must be for something polarizing that a lot of people feel strongly about, like abolishing same-gender arranged marriages in public schools or—even more important—restraining Hollywood from pimping classic films.
  3. Many voters believe the two mainstream parties are “hijacked.” But most still feel compelled to endorse a main-party candidate because they view independent voters as “people with commitment issues.”
  4. Choosing one candidate over another can seem an exercise in futility. Thankfully, we are awash with political pundits anxious to explain how it’s actually a contest between God and the devil, or at least Hitler/Stalin and Gandhi/Mandela.
  5. “In unity we secede” has a certain ring to it. Nothing says “coordinated political foresight” like joining the post-election push for secession—no doubt in the hope that the consequent political and economic vacuum of your nation-state would bring peace of mind.
  6. At least Newt Gingrich didn’t win. This is my wife’s political highlight of the year.
  7. Rich people have an image problem. This is odd, considering everyone else wants to be just like them. Fortunately, the wealthy can afford a PR team.
  8. Religion matters. But only if you want it to.
  9. Successful business leaders who have risen to prominence and wealth through their own competence, thrift, work ethic, and business acumen are completely untrustworthy. This probably isn’t true, but it’s hard not to believe. Isn’t that right Bernie, Bernie, Allen, Dennis, Jeff and Andy? And what do you think, Wall Street?
  10. A good war just doesn’t bring in the votes like it used to. I blame the media.
  11. “The Land of Social Experiments” has become a popular state motto. With tax revenue in the toilet, states are turning to liquor, gambling, same-gender marriage, and recreational drugs to save their economies. Luckily, none of these things come with expensive budgetary side effects or unforeseen social complications.
  12. It’s pretty funny that Skyfall is a hit film just as our country approaches the “fiscal cliff.” Or maybe it’s just me.
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