12 Excuses for Holiday Unhappiness

11 Dec

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Tis that most wonderful time of the year when our thoughts turn to generosity, service, redecorating, and contorting Christian traditions and pagan rituals into good reasons to spend money. But for some, even the glow of colorful lighting and the soothing sounds of holiday music and atheists gnashing their teeth don’t produce a warm, fuzzy feeling. These dreary misanthropes who find no satisfaction in the season—for whatever reason—are further harassed by insensitive friends rattling off “encouragement,” like “it’s the holidays, man! Cheer up! What’s your problem?”

To this neglected social minority, we at Maximum Know-How say “rejoice!” because here’s a list of 12 reasons to be unhappy at Christmas this year.

  1. Somewhere on the planet is an Islamic militant who wants to kill you.
  2. The Hobbit will not be as good as you hoped it would.
  3. Christmas reminds you of the velveteen rabbit.
  4. There are no Twilight films left to make, so you can’t devote more billable work time to fretting over whether they’ll be awesome or awful.
  5. America just lost a top military commander in a way that reinforces our government’s image as a tawdry, made-for-TV sex drama.
  6. Facebook’s privacy policy will likely change again soon, which means those hidden pictures of you at the naked frat keggar posted by your ex-friend will probably resurface for your kids and coworkers to see.
  7. The Star Wars legacy is now in the hands of a company that produced dozens of appalling direct-to-video sequels of their own classic animated features (including Cinderella III: A Twist in Time), plus five “features” based just on Tinker Bell. I mean, really?
  8. The world is running out of helium.
  9. Tomorrow’s date is 12/12/12, which means this is your last chance to live through a cool date like that until January 1, 2101. And it’s too late to plan something.
  10. Syria, Egypt, Iran, North Korea, etc.
  11. With organized labor taking another hit, business execs are struggling to find someone to blame for looting the economy. It might be you.
  12. The press is already hyping up the 2016 election.

Check back tomorrow for the lighter side of the coin: 12 reasons to be happy this holiday season.

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