Naughty-Naughty, North Korea—Why Can’t You Behave?

14 Dec

Naughty North KoreaSo, the North Korean leadership is in attention-getting mode again, launching their rockets and spouting off unprovoked threats about turning the world into a sea of fire. While we’ve come to expect this sort of behavior, it’s still vital that we not drop to their level—even though we Americans can get really worked up over this sort of thing. To help out, we here at Maximum Know-How have put together a list of twelve immature political responses to the North Korean rocket launch we should NOT do, even if you really want to:

  • Launch our own rocket right off their territorial waters to see how they like it.
  • Go kick around some broken down South American dictatorship to help us feel powerful.
  • Spread a nasty rumor on Facebook that Kim Jong-un prefers Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over anything Beyonce’s done.
  • Bully Netflix into “accidentally” canceling the supreme leader’s subscription.
  • Lace the country’s food aid with laxatives.
  • Dump a whole bunch of green food coloring into the Taedong river.
  • Tell them off publicly in the world press, then go back to our room and listen to angry Metallica songs until falling asleep in our clothes.
  • Call up China and tell ‘em they deserve someone better as a regional ally.
  • Order a missile system online and have it overnighted to the Midwest just to demonstrate how much wealthier we are.
  • Invade.
  • Bean the lead-off batter of their national baseball team at the next Olympics.
  • Detonate concussion bombs over Pyongyang, and then justify ourselves to the UN by saying that the North Koreans started it, plus Iran set us up to take the blame.
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