2013: Resolutions You Can Use

3 Jan

New Year's Resolutions

Crisis: Just as you’re recovering from the holidays and girding yourself for the long winter ahead, you remember that you never made any New Year resolutions. Distraught at this tragic oversight, you cast around frantically looking for prepackaged promises you can drop on inquisitive friends—or your mother—when they subtly hint that your life could use some real change. Maximum Know-How has your back. Use our wonderfully vague resolutions, and then decide for yourself what the empty phrases really mean after the pressure is off.

What you say:

I’m going to expand my appreciation of foreign cultures.

What you’ll actually do (choose one, or write your own):

  • Sample the excellent international cuisine at Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
  • Take a foreign language class so you can talk to customer service representatives in their native tongue.
  • Watch Downton Abby.
  • Observe Canada. From a safe distance. Using binoculars.


I will live a more balanced lifestyle.

  • Spend one weekend a month camping in the wilderness sans technology. (Okay, maybe just try walking to the mailbox every day without your smartphone.)
  • Spend slightly more money than you earn, instead of spending much more than you earn.
  • For every hour spent immersed in simulated killing on your video game console, donate $10 to Doctors Without Borders (or spend 30 seconds playing a “wholesome” game, like Tetris).
  • Every time you click a web link about celebrity gossip, spend 10 minutes reading Plato.


I will pursue healthier relationships.

  • “Un-friend” any meth addicts, serial killers, or lobbyists for Big Oil from your Facebook account.
  • Communicate with family and friends via verbal exchanges instead of texts.
  • End your imaginary romance with Edward Cullen.
  • Find a new job that doesn’t make you sell anything, buy anything, or process anything, or sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or… process anything sold, bought, or processed. Or repair anything sold, bought, or processed.


I will grow as a person.

  • Move out of your parents’ house before your social security kicks in.
  • Regularly inject yourself with human growth hormone.
  • Finally decide that five years as a college sophomore is enough, and it’s time to start that band so you can move ahead with becoming an internationally famous rockstar.
  • Rid yourself of all money and possessions, take a pilgrimage to Uruguay, contract malaria, develop a heroin addiction, and then have the cartel gunmen drop you in an abandoned gas mine so you can discover for yourself what you’re really made of.


I will connect with my core spiritual nature.

  • Join a religion.
  • Start your own religion.
  • Learn the secret to spiritual contentment and eternal rewards for only $49.95 plus shipping and handling, plus you get a set of Blessed Communion steak knives at no additional cost!
  • Read and study the Old Testament, New Testament, Quran, Book of Mormon, the Vedas, and the teachings of Buddha, prayerfully ask God where to find truth, and then commit yourself to a life of selfless service. Or just watch Battlefield Earth again.

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