Lance Armstrong’s Ride to Repentance

22 Jan

Lance Armstrong's career options

Artificial cycling phenom Lance Armstrong has created for himself an unenviable public relations disaster. After decades of publicly and insistently lying about his use of PEDs, after decades of screaming “witch hunt!” at the sport’s governing bodies—taunting them for their long-running failure to nail him—and after decades of sincere deceit to fans around the world (no doubt jeering at them as he rolled in their money and admiration), he’s suddenly assuming the “contrition pose” and seeking easy forgiveness.

But we’re not talking about some impromptu misstatement or temporary career diversion. We’re talking seven consecutive wins of the world’s premier cycling event. He didn’t cheat just to get an edge in a tight race, or make a bad decision in a moment of great pressure. This was premeditated, coordinated, devoted dishonesty over several years so he could dominate over and over and over.

Understandably, even a mea culpa chat with Oprah did him little good.

So where does he go from here? Here’s some sincere advice from Maximum Know-How.

Five tactics that will NOT improve Lance Armstrong’s public image.

  1. Hook up with Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds to open a Wall Street investment firm dealing in subprime mortgages and debt-related derivatives.
  2. Travel the country speaking to school children about how cheating and lying isn’t worth it because it will only bring you decades of fame, wealth, and popularity. And if you get caught you still get to be on television regularly with famous people, and then travel the country without ever getting a real job. Also, charging the children for autographs.
  3. Run for public office on a law-and-order ticket, including a pre-campaign stint as a conservative talk-show host.
  4. End his retirement from cycling (again) and participate in amateur events on what he calls the “Tour de Redemption.”
  5. Sue USADA for discrimination against immoral people. Sue the International Cycling Union and United States Postal Service for aiding and abetting a felony. Sue Jan Ullrich for emotional distress caused by his unfair athletic excellence (or for having a competitively efficient doping program, whichever).

Five ways Lance Armstrong can improve his public image.

  1. Disappear from public life. Work the graveyard shift at Kmart stocking shelves, cleaning floors, and polishing the blue light. During smoke breaks he could entertain coworkers Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis by singing Sheryl Crow songs.
  2. Devote to telling the story of a genuine American cycling legend, Greg Lemond, including the spectacular 1989 tour win.
  3. Join ABC Sports as a color commentator for unrelated athletic events, like Olympic diving. Or curling. This would involve a toupe.
  4. Change his name to Donald Rumsfeld and move to Iraq.
  5. Get a job plugging embarrassing personal products on late-night television. “I’m not a champion cyclist, but I used to play one on TV. Let’s talk about diarrhea control….”

2 Responses to “Lance Armstrong’s Ride to Repentance”

  1. Mark January 24, 2013 at 2:27 am #

    Nice post! I personally don’t get why people have become so outraged about this though. Sure he was dishonest, but the guy has done some good things, like his cancer support charity. That said, the best thing for him to do would be to fade away from public life.

    • Maximum Know-How January 24, 2013 at 4:45 am #

      I’m outraged by it for the same reasons I’m outraged by organized crime: organized deceit and robbery, playing up a false image to get people to give you money for a charity (he also lied to them), which I expect will collapse due to nonfunding (people are demanding their money back). And I ache for riders like Jan Ullrich, who rode clean for so many years only to have Armstrong beat them illegally year and year, and get away with it. Jan eventually chose the doping route also, because there was no other way to win. But Armstrong… yes, let him fade away.

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