Super Bowl Food Guide

1 Feb

Super Bowl roast

Let’s not mince words: American football is a brutal, heartless, violent sport played by large, angry men with a warrior’s mindset. In order to fully appreciate the spectacle, to really feel the raw, untamed manliness, the viewing audience must immerse themselves in the mindset of the players. And nowhere is this more necessary than when choosing what food to eat while watching the big game.  For you posers out there hoping to convince your friends that you’re gridiron-savvy, or for family members of “true fans” trying to decide what goes on the table, Maximum Know-How provides the following complimentary guide to creating the perfect Super Bowl menu.

VIRGIN BEVERAGES

Wrong: Fruit juice, Perrier, store-brand soda

Right: High-calorie, high-chemical, highly-addictive “drinks” that come with an EPA warning on the label

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES

Wrong: Wine, cocktails with umbrellas, anything served in small glasses

Right: Beer in a bucket (bonus points if the brewer is sponsoring the game)

HORS D’OUEVRES

Wrong: Cheese and crackers, canned soup, wonton

Right: Tiny, greasy, meatless chicken bones roasted in a spicy red sauce; antacid tablets

SIDE DISHES

Wrong: Vegetables, fruit, foie gras with truffles

Right: Homemade fries fried in lard; fried sausage balls stewed in ketchup and brown sugar

MAIN COURSE

Wrong: Chicken McNuggets; artisan “pizza” topped with things like artichoke hearts, freshly shredded spinach, crumbly goat cheese, etc.

Right: Deep-fried calzone, eight-meat Italian sandwich with dipping sauce, large wild animal roasting on spit over open fire

DESSERT

Wrong: Cookies, cheesecake, sorbet

Right: Deep-fried Twinkie sundae, heavy on the chocolate-caramel sauce; Pepto-Bismol

BONUS END-OF-GAME ADVICE

If your team wins: A huge cooler of iced Gatorade to dump on your unsuspecting spouse and/or neighbor.

If your team loses: Face mask, baseball bat, water bottle to wash the tear gas out of your eyes, and cell phone to take pictures of yourself rioting downtown to prove to friends and family that you were there when it all went down.

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One Response to “Super Bowl Food Guide”

  1. mrhumes February 1, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

    Reblogged this on Mr. Humes.

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