Bad Valentine’s Day Gifts

7 Feb

23 items you should definitely NOT give your significant other

Bad Valentine's Day Gifts

Valentine’s Day is only a week away, so it’s time to start thinking of the perfect offering to hand your loved one next Thursday. For those people who tend toward last-minute panic buying—for example, those who race to the local drug store at 11:30 the night before trying to remember their companion’s favorite type of candy bar—Maximum Know-How has your back. We understand that panicked procrastinators often practice poor decision-making in the heat of the moment, thinking that a really bad gift idea will be just the thing to show their love and devotion. To help protect these vulnerable shoppers from (usually well-deserved) post–Valentine’s Day wrath, we offer this list of what not to give on Valentine’s Day—even if it’s on sale and you can find it fast.

  1. Coupon for a free consultation at the weight-loss center
  2. Vacation tour package to Damascus
  3. Lance Armstrong–related collectibles
  4. Composting worm farm that fits under the bed
  5. Your Christmas wish list
  6. Bouquet of artificial flowers (“Now we never have to waste money on fresh ones again!”)
  7. PB&J sandwich, even if it’s on “savory buttermilk” bread
  8. Your favorite children’s picture book
  9. Self-published, psuedo-celebrity nonfiction (e.g., Beyonce’s Guide to the Illuminati, The Complete Lindsay Lohan Court Transcripts)
  10. Tickets to Super Bowl XLVII
  11. Bulletproof ski mask
  12. Gift basket of leftover fast-food condiment packets (ketchup, hot sauce, etc.)
  13. Half-burnt candles
  14. Household cleaning supplies
  15. Cheap collection of knock-off music covers (Greatest Hits of the 80’s—Dubstep Style! reimagined by DJ Snazzy Biff and his Uptown Homeys Orchestra)
  16. A Voldemort mask
  17. Frozen vegetables
  18. Bank bag of dye-stained money (“No, I don’t hear a bullhorn”)
  19. Meth
  20. A large, dead, game animal ready for butchering
  21. Economy basket of pre-loved stuffed animals from the thrift store
  22. Do-it-yourself tattoo kit
  23. Nothing (“I refuse to contribute to global warming by surrendering to the mindless consumerism of some pseudo-religious, nationalized marketing conspiracy”)

2 Responses to “Bad Valentine’s Day Gifts”

  1. Madeleine Begun Kane February 9, 2013 at 6:40 am #

    Fun column!

  2. Maximum Know-How February 10, 2014 at 6:39 pm #

    Reblogged this on Maximum Know-How and commented:

    Valentine’s Day is coming up, so I thought I’d repost this informative guide to getting safely through the week.

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