Lies, but Entertaining Lies

28 Jun

Twelve Hot Entertainment Rumors That You NEED to Read

Can it be true? Probably not.The Internet is at its most powerful when spreading wildly speculative and (often) preposterous stories (aka, “breaking news”). This traffic of tastylicious rumors—especially regarding pop entertainment—has created its own kind of cultural sideroom, where you can sit and wonder at the things somebody has said about media, its personalities, and the world at large.

So, under the guise of a social experiment, we’ve created some potent but ridiculous “media news” to see how far it can travel. We hope our “news” races across the planet, starting an unstoppable chain of spin-off “news” across the length and breadth of the Interwebs. So kick back and dig your teeth into some juicy nonsense, and don’t forget to spread the word.

Movies

  • Contrary to revisionist claims by director Francis Ford Coppola that Apocalypse Now was based on Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, it actually began as an adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew.
  • Thanks to groundbreaking camera, costume, and lighting tricks, Humphrey Bogart’s song-and-dance scene in Casablanca was actually performed by Fred Astaire, with the vocals dubbed in later. 
  • To prevent unnecessary waste of animal products, Sylvester Stallone’s “egg scene” in Rocky actually employed stunt yolks for every take.
  • While filming the time-jump scenes in Back to the Future, Michael J. Fox claimed to have actually seen the future, and predicted not only the dot-com bubble of the late 1990s but also the future market for flux capacitor–themed t-shirts, cufflinks, and refrigerator magnets. This is why he is a rich man today.
  • During the time fracture event just noted, a part of Michael J. Fox’s soul was sliced off and became Jason Bateman, which explains their eerily similar appearance, film choices (Teen Wolf  1 and 2), and the fact that they have never been professionally successful at the same time.
  • And speaking of Back to the Future, have you ever consider the possibility that Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow was a characterization not of Keith Richards but of Christopher Lloyd’s own Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi.

 

Music

  • After AC/DC’s founding members pass away, their label will release the rejected demo recordings from the band’s “Billy Joel period.”
  • The unreleased Beach Boys album Smile was actually an appalling tapestry of drug-induced sound effects, including high-frequency whines, coughing, and bicycle chain noises set to the the rhythmic beating of animal carcasses. Even categorizing it as “experimental” couldn’t make it marketable, so the label shelved it.
  • Rihanna and Adele and Beyoncé are actually three manifestations of the same personage. That’s why none of them has a last name.
  • Justin Bieber has consulted with a leading plastic surgeon about revolutionary new medical procedures that would make himself look more like Lady Gaga. Alas.
  • The Sugarhill Gang got the bass line for their hit “Rapper’s Delight” from Queen bassist Roger Deacon, who borrowed it from Vanilla Ice, who “adapted” it from Chic’s Nile Rodgers, who stole it from my uncle Phil, who grew up with Nile in a small ranch community south of Provo, Utah. Phil and Nile haven’t spoken since.
  • It’s not that Paul is dead; in fact, he never existed.

 Now it’s your turn to spread the word. Shout a metaphorical, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” from the rooftop that is Twitter/Facebook/Instagram. And feel free to propose your own juicy tidbit. Thanks in advance—Michael J. Fox already told us how well the experiment turns out.

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