Archive | August, 2013

Back-to-School Special: Leveraging Widespread Destruction

30 Aug

Finding benefit from the wildfires out west.

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So, yesterday I tried to solve the problem of wildfires in the western U.S. by suggesting that the Pentagon spend their time attacking fires instead of Syria. But since that’s apparently a no-go option with the military brass, we here at Maximum Know-How have some ways to use the blazes for our collective advantage.

Top eight uses for wildfires:

  1. Export the flaming forests to the south pole to warm up the researchers, and so we can kick-start this global-warming phenomenon instead of spending years listening to a long, drawn-out political debates about whether it’s real or not.  
  2. Lease the more hellish environments to self-awareness gurus who charge clients piles of money for the chance to experience horrific physical ordeals in the name of achieving a spiritual rejuvenation.
  3. Since we’ve got a fire anyway, let’s divert the country’s junk mail into it.
  4. Blow all that smoke over to Damascus so the al-Assad government and the rebels can’t find and kill each other. (Bonus: Maybe that’ll make Syria too hard for the Pentagon to find and invade.)
  5. Sell tickets to disaster tourists.
  6. Grind up all the charred wood and sell it as an aphrodisiac in China.
  7. Start a line of mail-order designer camping clothing that arrives at your house already smelling like campfire smoke!
  8. Contact Peter Jackson to fly up and get some images of “The Desolation of Smaug” just in time to help market the upcoming release, coming to a theater near you.

Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.

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Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.

Back-to-School Special: The Fading Buzz

27 Aug

Top reasons the planet’s bees are dying. 

 Julian has the truth

We’re celebrating back-to-school week here at Maximum Know-How by spinning some fresh perspective out of the depressing headlines of recent weeks. In yesterday’s post, we avoided discussing how mental illness has nothing to do with cross-gender identification (unless making that link reduces your prison sentence), and today we move on to a global environmental crisis that you can do nothing about.

Seven Possible Reasons the Bees Are Dying

  1. It’s a CIA plot to instigate war with Iran.  
  2. I keep running over them with my lawn mower.
  3. They don’t have a decent PR rep, social media platform, or even celebrity backers.
  4. Bob Woodward turned stolen internal records into a scandalous tell-all called The Private Hive. Now the bees with any sense of dignity are too ashamed to leave the apiary.
  5. Since the 2008 recession, the board of directors for Global Bee, Inc., has been dramatically cutting staff to raise the market value of services, thereby increasing stock return.
  6. Bee populations have declined in direct proportion to the widening prevalence of paint-by-number teen-pop music. If you catch our drift.
  7. We are witnessing the throes of a vicious union labor dispute, wherein wasps are moving in on major pollen-gathering operations. The true details of the “missing” bees is actually pretty unpleasant. 

Back-to-School Special: Hobbies for Traitors

27 Aug

Five activities to do while awaiting trial.

Well, the news has been pretty depressing, hasn’t it? Every day we read stuff like:

Bored Transgender Teen Kills Bees, Ignites Wildfire Near Mosque

Blames Obama for addiction to meth, GTA V

But it’s not like a humor blog to shy away from the big issues. Instead, we’re going to deliver five mini-lists ripped from the headlines to celebrate back-to-school week. Today’s commentary is directed at helping future Bradley Mannings as they sit in prison debating their gender:

Nine Better Things to Do While Awaiting Trial on Treason

  1. Lobby foreign countries to break you out of jail and provide asylum. Sweeten the deal by offering a cut of the royalties from the inevitable made-for-TV movie.
  2. Hack into the prosecution’s database and replace any incriminating evidence with trivia about Barbra Streisand movies.
  3. Bulk up.
  4. Polish the brass bits of your uniform so you look snappy during the sentencing.
  5. Send fan mail and campaign donations to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian embassy, London.
  6. Convince Red to get you a rock hammer, Bible, and Rita Hayworth poster.
  7. Translate the Harry Potter books into binary or Klingon.
  8. Make a pinhole camera and take selfies to post to your Facebook timeline.
  9. Apply for complimentary subscriptions to obscure magazines like Tool Photo, American Pet, and Famous, Unfortunately.

Song of the Week: “The Big Heat” – Stan Ridgway

26 Aug

Wow, Stan Ridgway has released 12 solo albums, the most recent coming out just last year. Amazing talent. I know his magnificent musical stories best from his early-80s stint with Wall of Voodoo (“Mexican Radio” and “Call of the West”) and his 1986 solo album, The Big Heat. It featured this week’s tune plus the captivating “Camouflage” and “Drive, She Said.” If you like the compelling story of “The Big Heat,” definitely take a listen to his other work.