Back-to-School Special: Hobbies for Traitors

27 Aug

Five activities to do while awaiting trial.

Well, the news has been pretty depressing, hasn’t it? Every day we read stuff like:

Bored Transgender Teen Kills Bees, Ignites Wildfire Near Mosque

Blames Obama for addiction to meth, GTA V

But it’s not like a humor blog to shy away from the big issues. Instead, we’re going to deliver five mini-lists ripped from the headlines to celebrate back-to-school week. Today’s commentary is directed at helping future Bradley Mannings as they sit in prison debating their gender:

Nine Better Things to Do While Awaiting Trial on Treason

  1. Lobby foreign countries to break you out of jail and provide asylum. Sweeten the deal by offering a cut of the royalties from the inevitable made-for-TV movie.
  2. Hack into the prosecution’s database and replace any incriminating evidence with trivia about Barbra Streisand movies.
  3. Bulk up.
  4. Polish the brass bits of your uniform so you look snappy during the sentencing.
  5. Send fan mail and campaign donations to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian embassy, London.
  6. Convince Red to get you a rock hammer, Bible, and Rita Hayworth poster.
  7. Translate the Harry Potter books into binary or Klingon.
  8. Make a pinhole camera and take selfies to post to your Facebook timeline.
  9. Apply for complimentary subscriptions to obscure magazines like Tool Photo, American Pet, and Famous, Unfortunately.
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