Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.

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Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.
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