Back-to-School Special: Leveraging Widespread Destruction

30 Aug

Finding benefit from the wildfires out west.

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So, yesterday I tried to solve the problem of wildfires in the western U.S. by suggesting that the Pentagon spend their time attacking fires instead of Syria. But since that’s apparently a no-go option with the military brass, we here at Maximum Know-How have some ways to use the blazes for our collective advantage.

Top eight uses for wildfires:

  1. Export the flaming forests to the south pole to warm up the researchers, and so we can kick-start this global-warming phenomenon instead of spending years listening to a long, drawn-out political debates about whether it’s real or not.  
  2. Lease the more hellish environments to self-awareness gurus who charge clients piles of money for the chance to experience horrific physical ordeals in the name of achieving a spiritual rejuvenation.
  3. Since we’ve got a fire anyway, let’s divert the country’s junk mail into it.
  4. Blow all that smoke over to Damascus so the al-Assad government and the rebels can’t find and kill each other. (Bonus: Maybe that’ll make Syria too hard for the Pentagon to find and invade.)
  5. Sell tickets to disaster tourists.
  6. Grind up all the charred wood and sell it as an aphrodisiac in China.
  7. Start a line of mail-order designer camping clothing that arrives at your house already smelling like campfire smoke!
  8. Contact Peter Jackson to fly up and get some images of “The Desolation of Smaug” just in time to help market the upcoming release, coming to a theater near you.
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