The Truth Behind the Shutdown

16 Oct

The REAL reasons why the government is shut down.

StudioC

 

So you think our government shutdown is merely an ideological standoff between power-hungry politicians dressing up their own shameless self-promotion as public service? Preposterous. While it’s clear that our elected leaders are stalling, it’s time we moved beyond simple-minded insults to realize the truth behind the drama in Washington.

What’s REALLY Behind the Government Shutdown

  1. They’re holed up in senate conference rooms watching Studio C sketches, and just can’t pull themselves away.
  2. Because they were so caught up in figuring out the budget, hunting season crept up on them and they were too busy to buy their licenses or tags. The shutdown puts the game wardens nicely out of the picture, at least until our congressional leaders can poach enough elk for the winter.
  3. Both sides of the aisle are racing to falsify an evidence trail that clearly demonstrates that the other side is planning a terrorist attack on American soil to justify their policies. They had a hard time finishing when they only had nights and weekends to work on it.
  4. By keeping federal employees out of their offices, they are holding back the dam on an alien body-snatcher invasion long enough to upload a virus to the mother ship’s mainframe computer.
  5. They’re putting the final touches on a complex international relations deal that will resolve the Syrian civil war, ease Iranian nuclear ambitions, reduce Egyptian street anger, stop polar glacial melt, restore Tim Tebow to greatness, eradicate Chinese smog, reestablish European financial stability, and salvage Miley Cyrus’s career—and no doubt net each member of congress a Nobel Prize for either peace, science, or economics.
  6. They’re testing the emotional stamina of the electorate to see how long the government can be closed before citizens do something besides complain. Once the riots start, expect to see a speedy resolution. Then, following an in-depth consultation with their masters in Beijing and completion of a predetermined waiting period, expect another shutdown during the end of December. With everyone focused on the holiday season, the takeover will be quick and seamless.
  7. James Bond movie marathon during office hours. Be patient: they’re almost done.
  8. In an effort to squash discussions of concussion damage in the NFL, a special legislative committee is hashing out whether to change the Washington Redskins’ name to something more politically appropriate, like the Washington Gender Neutrals.
  9. To improve their social awareness, they’re all taking this opportunity to change religions and trade racial identities.
  10. They’re hammering out a last-minute investment deal that promises to balance the budget in fewer than three years and actually produce a budget surplus by 2020. In fact, insiders suggest that the negotiations with federal investment consultant Bernie Madoff are “escalating.”
  11. Members of the congressional appropriations committee wanted to minimize the crowds during their preplanned fact-finding mission to Yellowstone National Park. Plus, they get a cut of the fines collected from people who want a quick look at all the beautiful places that belong to all of us as a nation—or so we thought.
  12. A well-armed Republican delegation is blocking the doors until the Democrats are willing to a) read aloud the entire text of the Health Care Reform Act and then b) explain what it says.
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2 Responses to “The Truth Behind the Shutdown”

  1. markrhunter October 18, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    Well, #12 isn’t going to happen in our lifetime.The text — so long! The words — so big!

    I tried to start a riot myself, but everyone was too busy discussing the previous night’s episode of The Walking Dead.

    • Maximum Know-How October 18, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

      Yeah, with riots you’re timing has to be, like, right on the button.

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