Appalling Theme Park Ideas

12 Nov

Books that should NOT be turned into family fun parks.

Welcome to Where's Waldo World! Toddlers this way...

When I learned about the potential of a Hunger Games theme park (“Bring your whole family to a magical place where you can slaughter children for entertainment!”), my mind naturally jumped to other tasteless literary theme park adaptations the world should definitely avoid.

Heart of Darkness Jungle Trek: Survive tropical diseases, deadly animals, killer natives, and mad cohorts long enough to capture or kill a power-drunk megalomaniac before he dismembers your family and sells your bones as branded tchotchkes at the gift shop.

Fahrenheit 451 Farms: Enjoy some book-burning good times with literary bonfires, random deadly attacks by robot dogs, and speedy overdose resuscitation. You can’t leave the venue until you memorize a novel of your choosing.

Where’s Waldo World: Separated families must locate all their members from among thousands of similarly dressed strangers. (Note: This park is not unlike Disneyland.)

Holyland: A Bible Adventure: Survive a fiery furnace, sell your sibling to nomads, build a raft in the wave pool before the cataclysmic flood is released (every 30 minutes), and demonstrate your bravery and stone-slinging skills against a giant homicidal sociopath in heavy armor.

Arrow to the Sun Adventure Park: Learn about the rich culture of the ancient Pueblo Indians, get shot into the sky on the Arrow Ride, then battle lions, snakes, bees, and electrocution on an artificial sun.

Dune Safari: Go on an exciting spice hunt while under a heavy Harkonnen laser barrage, wear stillsuits during 120-degree desert jogs as you flee giant attacking Worms with razor-sharp teeth, and invite the entire family to try the “humanity test” with a genuine replica black box and gom jabbar.

Tom Clancy Land: Celebrate the magic of the Cold War and America’s military-industrial complex by experiencing a nuclear reactor accident during an undersea submarine battle, enduring the Ebola adventure, and taking a ride in the Rapid Decompression chamber. And don’t forget to suit up for a raid against paramilitary narcotics traffickers in a Colombian jungle!

And of course, there’s always Maze Runner World, but that practically goes without saying. What are some other truly awful ideas?

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