10 Reasons Dennis Rodman Visits North Korea

15 Jan

North Korea is having a tough 2014. Not only do they have Frontline on their case, but they’ve been reduced to using a basketball celebrity as a PR tool—again. The Maximum Know-How team is convinced that there’s more to these odd visits than just money changing hands, so we’ve devised some possible explanations for Rodman’s visits to the secret state.

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  1. Rodman is going through the interview process to replace uncle Jang Song Thaek, the recently executed second-in-command.
  2. The visits are actually a U.S. State Department conspiracy to trick Kim Jong Un into promoting Rodman as a role model for North Korean youth, thereby destroying the nation’s hope for a future.
  3. It’s all a North Korean ploy to scare its youth into rapt obedience to the regime: “THIS is what you’ll look and act like unless Kim Jong Un protects you!”
  4. Rodman is acting as an emissary for NBA commissioner David Stern, who is on the lookout for a host-city franchise expansion opportunity.
  5. Someone in Rodman’s camp keeps confusing “North Korea” with “North Carolina” when booking travel arrangements.
  6. Rodman is auditioning to become a UN Goodwill Ambassador in the hope of meeting fellow-ambassador Angelina Jolie.
  7. Rodman is actually a talent scout for the next K-Pop superstar.
  8. The fees paid to Rodman and his fellow b-ballers actually come from South Korea, because promoting these ridiculous visits is the only way Seoul can get the American public, press, and politicians to pay attention to this international threat.
  9. Kim Jong Un has always been a great fan of Rodman’s boa collection.
  10. Rodman never has to worry about his “friend for life” calling him “the worm.”
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