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New Olympic Sports for 2020

5 Mar

Suggested events to replace wrestling in the Olympics

New branding for 2020 Olympic games

Now that we’ve solved the healthcare crisis, let’s return to a pressing topic from a couple of weeks ago, namely the removal of wrestling from the Olympics. Although the Maximum Know-How team presented five other sports more worthy of the ax, apparently none of the 20 people who read that post were high-up enough in the IOC to influence a reversal of the decision.

So that leaves us short one sport for the 2020 Olympic games—with only seven years to go! Luckily, we’ve put  our  minds to it and come up with seven great sporting alternates to fill the gap.

Chariot Racing: The most obvious choice is replace an original, ancient Greece–era event like wrestling with another ancient event. To make it more appealing to the modern masses, take it a few steps beyond realistic reenactment and incorporate some Hollywood-esque elements, such as jumps, figure eights, flaming hoops, and Tusken Raiders firing on contestants from the rock formations bordering the near edge of the great Dune Sea.

Arena Combat: Now, clearly something like the Hunger Games would be brutal, heartless, discriminatory, and sickening, but that’s exactly why millions of people would tune in. Who wouldn’t want to watch an event that combines Survivor with American Gladiator with crazy Japanese game shows. It wouldn’t be to the death, of course (that would likely result in widespread war across the planet), but there would be individual and team victors, like in gymnastics. The arenas would feature multiple terrains, including rocky cliffs, shallow lagoons, quicksand traps, jungles infested with skin-burrowing insects, etc. After the games, arenas could be leased out for paintball tournaments or children’s birthday parties.

Quidditch: Not by 2020, maybe, but eventually.

Mash-Up Events: Combine two vaguely similar sports—such as soccer (i.e., fútbol) and lacrosse—and have them compete against each other on the same field. For example, the Brazilian soccer team tries to score soccer goals while keeping the opposing Canadian lacrosse team from scoring lacrosse goals, and vice versa. Every Olympics we could swap out the two sports for exciting new pairings, such as speed skating versus hockey, or pole vault versus javelin, or indoor oval cycling versus badminton. I’d totally watch that.

Non-Equine Equestrian Events: Riding horses is kind of old hat, so why not pick more difficult animals? Like ostrich racing or long-distance dolphin diving. That would also help sell more seats because folks like PETA would be out in force to protest.

Video Gaming: This is an appalling, but probably inevitable, option.

Thumb Wrestling: The way for traditional wrestling to weasel its way back into favor is through alternative “demonstration sports” like this. Or it can take the X-Games route with sponsor-friendly spectacles like high-altitude female mud wrestling on a half-pipe. Regardless of its return path, I expect the sport will need to make concessions to help boost its marketing appeal, such as requiring contestants to wear those crazy Mexican luchador masks.

How to Be an Internet Troll

19 Feb

Seven steps to losing your soul online: 

A troll's true joy

What with the decline of Nazi-centric movies—along with the social pressure to respect foreign cultures and civilizations even if they’re harboring terrorists—our society is experiencing a shortage of despicable cultural icons. Luckily, nature abhors a vacuum so we’ve seen that gap filled with the Internet Troll, a truly hateful individual who is a cultural composite of a hacker, serial killer, and Beavis and Butt-head. And judging by the number of trolls stomping their way through the comments section of many an online news article, it’s apparently become a highly lucrative and satisfying occupation. So if the recession has left you underemployed or worse, here’s your guide to becoming the plague of Internet culture.

  1. Absolve yourself of all ethics. Nothing is below your contempt; no tragedy is unworthy of your scorn. Millions dead? Children tortured? Widespread pain, suffering, and hopelessness? LOL, that’s entertainment.
  2. Absolve yourself of all allegiances. You do not endorse a political party, a religion, a sports team, a rock band. You are “pro-nothing.” You will never be supportive of anything except maybe whimsical genocide and your own hubris.
  3. Create your persona. It’s best to make multiple disposable identities, each appropriate for a certain venue. Each persona’s name should be inspired by some degenerate practice or brutal obscenity. And if your avatars don’t evoke scandalized embarrassment or vomiting, you haven’t applied yourself.
  4. Seek appropriate venues. The best places to inflict yourself upon others are those corners of the web that involve emotion, such as amateur fan sites or local news postings on hot-button issues. Avoid heavily commercialized sites that can afford moderators (unless you are advanced enough to communicate without profanity).
  5. Choose your prey. Your enemy is not a person, not an idea, but a practice. Precise, respectful, well-reasoned discussion is anathema. Politeness and morality your bane. For novice trolls, simply seek out emotional posters to taunt—watch for all-caps, misspellings, and heavy use of exclamation marks, and you’ll have your target.
  6. Strike without honor or restraint. Remember steps 1 and 2: You are thoughtless, soulless, free from integrity or morals. Insult, demean, condemn. Engage with flawed logic, answer rebuttals with abuse, refuse to see reason. Your role model is Sauron on a bad day—but more capricious, more volatile.
  7. Keep telling yourself it’s “just for fun. To keep up your intensity, you must convince yourself that everything you write is “harmless hate.”  Your online persona is not the real you, not even some hidden personal id you are setting free. It’s just a game—like those console games of simulated murder you play for hours late into the night. Counseling is unnecessary, and family and friends would probably think your posts were funny if they knew they came from you. (But don’t tell them. Trust us.)

Good “step-up” jobs for retired Internet trolls:

  • Political pundit
  • Radio shock-jock
  • Celebrity journalist