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Happy National Detonation Day!

5 Jul

By guest blogger, Colby Smith. 

Ah, the 4th of July. The day we Americans celebrate our independence and freedom by blowing stuff up.

Wait, what? Shouldn’t we celebrate with parades and performances honoring our country?

Well, maybe a little, but our favorite part is when we teach the 10-year-old how to detonate a mini-grenade or fire a cannon, or reenact the War of Independence by using small tanks and Roman candles. And who could forget the semi-legal mortars? These are very important to our country. 

All in all, we are proud to live in  a home where we are legally allowed to show off our military power for the neighbors, after dousing the flaming roof, of course. 

Movie Synopses We’re Tired of Seeing

5 Mar

Now playing: At $15 per ticket!

Has your enthusiasm for movies been steadily drained during the last several years by the constant stream of lifeless, depressing films? Adult dramas revel in their own degeneracy and even children’s films are cynical and sexualized. Over and over you find yourself asking, “who would want to watch that for two hours?” Yet they just keep on coming, trying to outdo each other in stupidity or tastelessness or grim depravity.

With entertainment, of course, there are kettles for every fish; but the Maximum Know-How team thinks we as a society could use a little more life-affirmation. So here’s our list of typical film synopses (those fact-filled summaries in movie trailers and DVD cases to entice your attention) and our improved alternatives.

Typical: When an innocent child is kidnapped and brutally murdered…
Instead, how about: When an innocent child concocts a brilliant way to create a faster-than-light-speed pan-dimensional space craft …

Not a romp: Two brothers, one a man-child, the other a divorced sex offender, decide to kill every single…
Maybe a romp: Two brothers, one a blue-collar sports fan, the other a successful but bored defense attorney, decide to build a rocket in their backyard…

Old: A trio of slutty housewives, who live double lives as prostitutes…
Fresh: A trio of intelligent, capable housewives, who live double lives as superhero crime-fighters…

Ho-hum: In the shadowy underworld of sleek, teen, vampire assassins…
Uh, sure. We’ll try it: In the shadowy pre-dawn world of sleek, teen, long-distance runners in training… (okay, maybe not, but we need something new here)

Role models for our children?: In this gross-out teen raunch-fest, we watch a group of boring, brainless morons fail over and over to have a sexual experience…
Do they make these anymore?: In this funny teen comedy about rising above the exaggerated trials of modern adolescence…

😦 Two cops, one a schizophrenic gun-nut, the other a suicidal misanthrope…
🙂 Two cops, one a jazz pianist, the other a father of eight…

I don’t get it. Maybe that means it’s deep: This symbolic adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey follows a brawny, bearded white man as he sails around the world chopping up people, set to the music of modern dubstep artists…
Why read the book?: This refreshing adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey follows an aging substitute teacher as she navigates the absurdities of a modern high school, set to the music of artists from the 70s TV show Midnight Special

Wow, if this is your entertainment, then what…?: Watch as a sadistic serial killer leaves a trail of grotesque clues carved into his victims’ bodies as he travels the country hunting homeless people…
But are there explosions?: Watch as a jolly, compulsive do-gooder leaves a trail of service and kindness as he travels the country doing entertaining activities with interesting people…

Par: Two inner-city high school dropouts, one a drug dealer, the other a rapper and pimp, fight “the man”…
Has this ever been made?: Two inner-city high school seniors, one a fast-food employee working toward college, the other a youth-club volunteer, fight the social pressure…

Never had children: In this animated “family film” punctuated with disdainful sarcasm, unrelenting violence, and poop jokes…
Knows their children: In this well-scripted, sharply animated adventure with interesting, relatable characters you enjoy spending time with…

Wait, this is fiction?: Two congressmen, one a heroin-addicted womanizer, the other a hitman for the mob, struggle to keep their secrets hidden…
Definitely fiction: Two congresswomen from different sides of the aisle struggle to battle mindless party politicking and corrupt special-interest lobbyists to actually get something done…

Science? You mean, like, flashing lights and buttons?: In this sci-fi adventure, rugged astronauts have sex during an alien attack…
Whoa, actual science?!: In this sci-fi adventure, astronauts maintain an uneasy alliance with an alien race as they work together to achieve a stunning breakthrough in faster-than-light-speed pan-dimensional travel …

20 Things You Hate to Hear Your Spouse Say When They First Enter the Room

26 Feb


Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but the casual familiarity born of years of togetherness can sometimes create moments of alarm. Especially when they come suddenly, without warning, and you’re not prepared, sayings like these can ruin your day:

  1. Do we know any good divorce attorneys?
  2. Why are you still here? Was it canceled?
  3. I decided today just to talk to a realtor.
  4. Apparently you didn’t remember!
  5. If you’re in here, then where’s the car?
  6. Okay, now, hear me out before you say anything.
  7. Remember that person I was dating when I first met you?
  8. If anyone calls from work or from the police, I’m not here.
  9. What was that for?!
  10. Well, I’ve come to a decision.
  11. Who’s that in the downstairs bathroom?
  12. Humph. Figures.
  13. Well? Don’t you have anything to say?
  14. Just to warn you, but this may be the worst night of our lives.
  15. I saw you today, but decided not to say “hi.”
  16. Why are you making credit card purchases in Latvia?
  17. So, your boss called me today while you were at work.
  18. Quick question: How’s our current religious “status” working out for you?
  19. You could have said something to your spouse, you know!
  20. I was walking past the dog pound today, and suddenly decided, “why not?”

Secret Details of the Iranian Nuclear Treaty

26 Nov

What the Mullahs and the P5+1 don’t want you to know.


After decades of deadlock and distrust, the country of Iran has signed an international agreement to limit its nuclear program in exchange for lightened economic sanctions. Fearing it’s just a sinister plot by hardline Islamists to drive up the price of oil, the Maximum Know-How team dug into the shocking political trade-offs hidden in the fine print.

Twelve Surprising Requirements of the Iranian Treaty

  1. Iran will finally get its own version of American Idol.
  2. It turns out that several popular revolutionary slogans and terms like “The Great Satan” are registered trademarks of the U.S. State Department, and Iran must henceforth pay licensing fees for their use in government-approved propaganda, religious tracts, candidate marketing, t-shirts, etc.
  3. For the next 10 years, the global press has to blame someone besides Iran for political instability in the Middle East. Someone like… Belgium.
  4. Hezbollah may continue representing itself as a social services charity, but must clearly indicate—on packaging, collateral, advertising, televised messages, press releases, websites, office premises, funeral placards, etc.—a sort of “Surgeon General’s Warning” along the lines of “Hezbollah seeks the obliteration of Israel, the destruction of the United States, and the spiteful murder of anyone who disagrees with us.”
  5. The Korean cultural attaché must guarantee free Iranian access to the latest releases by PSY, Girls’ Generation, and other global K-Pop acts.
  6. Iranian leaders don’t have to touch female foreign diplomats during state visits.
  7. The Iranian president is still allowed to use the future perfect verb tense when referring to Israel (“When the hated Zionists will have succumbed to us in World Cup qualifying…”).
  8. Iranian political leaders must pass an accredited Religious Tolerance 101 class and all other world leaders must pass a history class about the Western Crusades into the Middle East. Just so everyone has some perspective.
  9. The Iranian government must subsidize its own domestic women’s organizations, such as the Society of Women Against Twerking (SWAT), Excitable Revelers for the Ayatollah (ERA), and the Ladies’ Extremely Trustworthy Middle Eastern Division of Religious Independence and Vehicular Equality (LETMEDRIVE).
  10. International trade regulations must be modified to help Iranian manufacturers enter the global market (for program specifics, contact the Iranian Research Organization for Science and Technology or the Persian Camel-Hair Carpet Weavers Local 409).
  11. President Rouhani must ask permission prior to nuking neighboring countries (yeah, you know who we’re talking about). Plus, Iraq and Afghanistan are totally off limits until world opinion no longer holds America responsible for what happens there.
  12. The most impoverished class of citizens in Tehran must register with the healthcare exchange before March 31, 2014, or face severe fines.

Appalling Theme Park Ideas

12 Nov

Books that should NOT be turned into family fun parks.

Welcome to Where's Waldo World! Toddlers this way...

When I learned about the potential of a Hunger Games theme park (“Bring your whole family to a magical place where you can slaughter children for entertainment!”), my mind naturally jumped to other tasteless literary theme park adaptations the world should definitely avoid.

Heart of Darkness Jungle Trek: Survive tropical diseases, deadly animals, killer natives, and mad cohorts long enough to capture or kill a power-drunk megalomaniac before he dismembers your family and sells your bones as branded tchotchkes at the gift shop.

Fahrenheit 451 Farms: Enjoy some book-burning good times with literary bonfires, random deadly attacks by robot dogs, and speedy overdose resuscitation. You can’t leave the venue until you memorize a novel of your choosing.

Where’s Waldo World: Separated families must locate all their members from among thousands of similarly dressed strangers. (Note: This park is not unlike Disneyland.)

Holyland: A Bible Adventure: Survive a fiery furnace, sell your sibling to nomads, build a raft in the wave pool before the cataclysmic flood is released (every 30 minutes), and demonstrate your bravery and stone-slinging skills against a giant homicidal sociopath in heavy armor.

Arrow to the Sun Adventure Park: Learn about the rich culture of the ancient Pueblo Indians, get shot into the sky on the Arrow Ride, then battle lions, snakes, bees, and electrocution on an artificial sun.

Dune Safari: Go on an exciting spice hunt while under a heavy Harkonnen laser barrage, wear stillsuits during 120-degree desert jogs as you flee giant attacking Worms with razor-sharp teeth, and invite the entire family to try the “humanity test” with a genuine replica black box and gom jabbar.

Tom Clancy Land: Celebrate the magic of the Cold War and America’s military-industrial complex by experiencing a nuclear reactor accident during an undersea submarine battle, enduring the Ebola adventure, and taking a ride in the Rapid Decompression chamber. And don’t forget to suit up for a raid against paramilitary narcotics traffickers in a Colombian jungle!

And of course, there’s always Maze Runner World, but that practically goes without saying. What are some other truly awful ideas?

Living Scripture

24 Sep

Twelve tasks for the esoteric re-Creationist. 

The Holy Bible has been used for centuries both to justify the greedy, murderous acts of despots as well as to motivate great numbers of people to do good deeds, live peacefully, and sincerely claim a deep knowledge of the scriptures even though they haven’t really read them. If you’re looking for a path to Biblical understanding that’s more reliable than an excitable man wearing a white suit and a Rolex, try the Maximum Know-How 12-step method of scriptural scholarship. 


12 Ways to Understand the Bible Better

1. Do one of the following:

  • Fast for forty days.
  • Fast for one day.
  • Skip dessert.

2. Develop 800 different ways to prepare and serve manna.

3. Explain why it’s usually a good idea to extinguish a burning bush, especially in an arid region.

4. Prepare a plan for housing at least two of every type of land-based animal in a confined, ocean-going craft for approximately six months. Ensure the following:

  • Carnivorous predators are not located near the antelope section.
  • Elephants, hippos, rhinoceroses, and other heavy creatures are distributed evenly around the ship.
  • The giraffes will not bang their heads.
  • Cicadas, kookaburras, peacocks, turkeys, roosters, and those really loud monkeys they always use in jungle movies are all stored as far as possible from the human sleeping quarters.
  • Animals prone to vandalism (e.g., raccoons, goats, kias) are kept away from vital areas of the superstructure.
  • Wasps, hornets, biting flies, etc. are given constructive, emotionally engaging group projects to keep them occupied and out of everyone else’s life.
  • Animals used as a food source for the human passengers are organized so that a measured decrease in population doesn’t incite suspicion among the general population.
  • Cute little fluffy kitty-cats can sleep wherever they want to.
  • [Insert dragon/unicorn joke here.]
  • Mongooses are housed near the serpentarium to ensure general peace of mind.
  • Everybody leaves the skunks alone.

5. If you have an amazing ability and your girlfriend is always trying to get you to reveal how to overcome it and then, the very night you tell her how (in strict confidence), some guys show up knowing your “secret” and you end up having to kill them (because you actually lied about your vulnerability), and your girlfriend gets mad that you don’t trust her and asks you again—dump her!

6. So, it took Moses a river of blood, then frogs, lice, flies, hail, darkness, etc.—all just to convince Pharaoh to give the Israelites a few weeks off of work. Have you ever had to deal with a boss like that? Explain.

7. Organize an agenda for holding a family conference with a thousand wives.

8. Come up with ten clever, face-saving ways to ask locals for directions just after you’ve been vomited onto the beach by a giant fish. (E.g., “That’s the last time I take the Carnival cruise to Ninevah! Could you point me to the docks, please?”)

9. Compose a psalm. Throw in a few selahs for the band.

10. Participate in a “Biblical suffering tour” of the Mediterranean and Middle East that facilitates at least five historically accurate experiences of being:

  • Enslaved in Egypt.
  • Chased through the Sinai.
  • Besieged in Samaria.
  • Dragged against your will to Babylon.
  • Starved in Syria.
  • Imprisoned in Jerusalem.
  • Blinded on the road to Damascus.
  • Beaten with stripes in Macedonia.
  • Stoned in Lystra.
  • Shipwrecked on Melita.
  • Exiled to Patmos.
  • Executed in Rome.

11. Practice walking on water to determine if it’s really as difficult as the “religious right” makes it out to be. 

12. Be good. Or at least don’t kill anybody… on purpose.

Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.


Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.