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10 Reasons Dennis Rodman Visits North Korea

15 Jan

North Korea is having a tough 2014. Not only do they have Frontline on their case, but they’ve been reduced to using a basketball celebrity as a PR tool—again. The Maximum Know-How team is convinced that there’s more to these odd visits than just money changing hands, so we’ve devised some possible explanations for Rodman’s visits to the secret state.

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  1. Rodman is going through the interview process to replace uncle Jang Song Thaek, the recently executed second-in-command.
  2. The visits are actually a U.S. State Department conspiracy to trick Kim Jong Un into promoting Rodman as a role model for North Korean youth, thereby destroying the nation’s hope for a future.
  3. It’s all a North Korean ploy to scare its youth into rapt obedience to the regime: “THIS is what you’ll look and act like unless Kim Jong Un protects you!”
  4. Rodman is acting as an emissary for NBA commissioner David Stern, who is on the lookout for a host-city franchise expansion opportunity.
  5. Someone in Rodman’s camp keeps confusing “North Korea” with “North Carolina” when booking travel arrangements.
  6. Rodman is auditioning to become a UN Goodwill Ambassador in the hope of meeting fellow-ambassador Angelina Jolie.
  7. Rodman is actually a talent scout for the next K-Pop superstar.
  8. The fees paid to Rodman and his fellow b-ballers actually come from South Korea, because promoting these ridiculous visits is the only way Seoul can get the American public, press, and politicians to pay attention to this international threat.
  9. Kim Jong Un has always been a great fan of Rodman’s boa collection.
  10. Rodman never has to worry about his “friend for life” calling him “the worm.”
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Secret Details of the Iranian Nuclear Treaty

26 Nov

What the Mullahs and the P5+1 don’t want you to know.

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After decades of deadlock and distrust, the country of Iran has signed an international agreement to limit its nuclear program in exchange for lightened economic sanctions. Fearing it’s just a sinister plot by hardline Islamists to drive up the price of oil, the Maximum Know-How team dug into the shocking political trade-offs hidden in the fine print.

Twelve Surprising Requirements of the Iranian Treaty

  1. Iran will finally get its own version of American Idol.
  2. It turns out that several popular revolutionary slogans and terms like “The Great Satan” are registered trademarks of the U.S. State Department, and Iran must henceforth pay licensing fees for their use in government-approved propaganda, religious tracts, candidate marketing, t-shirts, etc.
  3. For the next 10 years, the global press has to blame someone besides Iran for political instability in the Middle East. Someone like… Belgium.
  4. Hezbollah may continue representing itself as a social services charity, but must clearly indicate—on packaging, collateral, advertising, televised messages, press releases, websites, office premises, funeral placards, etc.—a sort of “Surgeon General’s Warning” along the lines of “Hezbollah seeks the obliteration of Israel, the destruction of the United States, and the spiteful murder of anyone who disagrees with us.”
  5. The Korean cultural attaché must guarantee free Iranian access to the latest releases by PSY, Girls’ Generation, and other global K-Pop acts.
  6. Iranian leaders don’t have to touch female foreign diplomats during state visits.
  7. The Iranian president is still allowed to use the future perfect verb tense when referring to Israel (“When the hated Zionists will have succumbed to us in World Cup qualifying…”).
  8. Iranian political leaders must pass an accredited Religious Tolerance 101 class and all other world leaders must pass a history class about the Western Crusades into the Middle East. Just so everyone has some perspective.
  9. The Iranian government must subsidize its own domestic women’s organizations, such as the Society of Women Against Twerking (SWAT), Excitable Revelers for the Ayatollah (ERA), and the Ladies’ Extremely Trustworthy Middle Eastern Division of Religious Independence and Vehicular Equality (LETMEDRIVE).
  10. International trade regulations must be modified to help Iranian manufacturers enter the global market (for program specifics, contact the Iranian Research Organization for Science and Technology or the Persian Camel-Hair Carpet Weavers Local 409).
  11. President Rouhani must ask permission prior to nuking neighboring countries (yeah, you know who we’re talking about). Plus, Iraq and Afghanistan are totally off limits until world opinion no longer holds America responsible for what happens there.
  12. The most impoverished class of citizens in Tehran must register with the healthcare exchange before March 31, 2014, or face severe fines.

The Truth Behind the Shutdown

16 Oct

The REAL reasons why the government is shut down.

StudioC

 

So you think our government shutdown is merely an ideological standoff between power-hungry politicians dressing up their own shameless self-promotion as public service? Preposterous. While it’s clear that our elected leaders are stalling, it’s time we moved beyond simple-minded insults to realize the truth behind the drama in Washington.

What’s REALLY Behind the Government Shutdown

  1. They’re holed up in senate conference rooms watching Studio C sketches, and just can’t pull themselves away.
  2. Because they were so caught up in figuring out the budget, hunting season crept up on them and they were too busy to buy their licenses or tags. The shutdown puts the game wardens nicely out of the picture, at least until our congressional leaders can poach enough elk for the winter.
  3. Both sides of the aisle are racing to falsify an evidence trail that clearly demonstrates that the other side is planning a terrorist attack on American soil to justify their policies. They had a hard time finishing when they only had nights and weekends to work on it.
  4. By keeping federal employees out of their offices, they are holding back the dam on an alien body-snatcher invasion long enough to upload a virus to the mother ship’s mainframe computer.
  5. They’re putting the final touches on a complex international relations deal that will resolve the Syrian civil war, ease Iranian nuclear ambitions, reduce Egyptian street anger, stop polar glacial melt, restore Tim Tebow to greatness, eradicate Chinese smog, reestablish European financial stability, and salvage Miley Cyrus’s career—and no doubt net each member of congress a Nobel Prize for either peace, science, or economics.
  6. They’re testing the emotional stamina of the electorate to see how long the government can be closed before citizens do something besides complain. Once the riots start, expect to see a speedy resolution. Then, following an in-depth consultation with their masters in Beijing and completion of a predetermined waiting period, expect another shutdown during the end of December. With everyone focused on the holiday season, the takeover will be quick and seamless.
  7. James Bond movie marathon during office hours. Be patient: they’re almost done.
  8. In an effort to squash discussions of concussion damage in the NFL, a special legislative committee is hashing out whether to change the Washington Redskins’ name to something more politically appropriate, like the Washington Gender Neutrals.
  9. To improve their social awareness, they’re all taking this opportunity to change religions and trade racial identities.
  10. They’re hammering out a last-minute investment deal that promises to balance the budget in fewer than three years and actually produce a budget surplus by 2020. In fact, insiders suggest that the negotiations with federal investment consultant Bernie Madoff are “escalating.”
  11. Members of the congressional appropriations committee wanted to minimize the crowds during their preplanned fact-finding mission to Yellowstone National Park. Plus, they get a cut of the fines collected from people who want a quick look at all the beautiful places that belong to all of us as a nation—or so we thought.
  12. A well-armed Republican delegation is blocking the doors until the Democrats are willing to a) read aloud the entire text of the Health Care Reform Act and then b) explain what it says.

Back-to-School Special: Leveraging Widespread Destruction

30 Aug

Finding benefit from the wildfires out west.

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So, yesterday I tried to solve the problem of wildfires in the western U.S. by suggesting that the Pentagon spend their time attacking fires instead of Syria. But since that’s apparently a no-go option with the military brass, we here at Maximum Know-How have some ways to use the blazes for our collective advantage.

Top eight uses for wildfires:

  1. Export the flaming forests to the south pole to warm up the researchers, and so we can kick-start this global-warming phenomenon instead of spending years listening to a long, drawn-out political debates about whether it’s real or not.  
  2. Lease the more hellish environments to self-awareness gurus who charge clients piles of money for the chance to experience horrific physical ordeals in the name of achieving a spiritual rejuvenation.
  3. Since we’ve got a fire anyway, let’s divert the country’s junk mail into it.
  4. Blow all that smoke over to Damascus so the al-Assad government and the rebels can’t find and kill each other. (Bonus: Maybe that’ll make Syria too hard for the Pentagon to find and invade.)
  5. Sell tickets to disaster tourists.
  6. Grind up all the charred wood and sell it as an aphrodisiac in China.
  7. Start a line of mail-order designer camping clothing that arrives at your house already smelling like campfire smoke!
  8. Contact Peter Jackson to fly up and get some images of “The Desolation of Smaug” just in time to help market the upcoming release, coming to a theater near you.

Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.

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Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.

Back-to-School Special: The Fading Buzz

27 Aug

Top reasons the planet’s bees are dying. 

 Julian has the truth

We’re celebrating back-to-school week here at Maximum Know-How by spinning some fresh perspective out of the depressing headlines of recent weeks. In yesterday’s post, we avoided discussing how mental illness has nothing to do with cross-gender identification (unless making that link reduces your prison sentence), and today we move on to a global environmental crisis that you can do nothing about.

Seven Possible Reasons the Bees Are Dying

  1. It’s a CIA plot to instigate war with Iran.  
  2. I keep running over them with my lawn mower.
  3. They don’t have a decent PR rep, social media platform, or even celebrity backers.
  4. Bob Woodward turned stolen internal records into a scandalous tell-all called The Private Hive. Now the bees with any sense of dignity are too ashamed to leave the apiary.
  5. Since the 2008 recession, the board of directors for Global Bee, Inc., has been dramatically cutting staff to raise the market value of services, thereby increasing stock return.
  6. Bee populations have declined in direct proportion to the widening prevalence of paint-by-number teen-pop music. If you catch our drift.
  7. We are witnessing the throes of a vicious union labor dispute, wherein wasps are moving in on major pollen-gathering operations. The true details of the “missing” bees is actually pretty unpleasant. 

Back-to-School Special: Hobbies for Traitors

27 Aug

Five activities to do while awaiting trial.

Well, the news has been pretty depressing, hasn’t it? Every day we read stuff like:

Bored Transgender Teen Kills Bees, Ignites Wildfire Near Mosque

Blames Obama for addiction to meth, GTA V

But it’s not like a humor blog to shy away from the big issues. Instead, we’re going to deliver five mini-lists ripped from the headlines to celebrate back-to-school week. Today’s commentary is directed at helping future Bradley Mannings as they sit in prison debating their gender:

Nine Better Things to Do While Awaiting Trial on Treason

  1. Lobby foreign countries to break you out of jail and provide asylum. Sweeten the deal by offering a cut of the royalties from the inevitable made-for-TV movie.
  2. Hack into the prosecution’s database and replace any incriminating evidence with trivia about Barbra Streisand movies.
  3. Bulk up.
  4. Polish the brass bits of your uniform so you look snappy during the sentencing.
  5. Send fan mail and campaign donations to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian embassy, London.
  6. Convince Red to get you a rock hammer, Bible, and Rita Hayworth poster.
  7. Translate the Harry Potter books into binary or Klingon.
  8. Make a pinhole camera and take selfies to post to your Facebook timeline.
  9. Apply for complimentary subscriptions to obscure magazines like Tool Photo, American Pet, and Famous, Unfortunately.