Tag Archives: animation

Movie Synopses We’re Tired of Seeing

5 Mar

Now playing: At $15 per ticket!

Has your enthusiasm for movies been steadily drained during the last several years by the constant stream of lifeless, depressing films? Adult dramas revel in their own degeneracy and even children’s films are cynical and sexualized. Over and over you find yourself asking, “who would want to watch that for two hours?” Yet they just keep on coming, trying to outdo each other in stupidity or tastelessness or grim depravity.

With entertainment, of course, there are kettles for every fish; but the Maximum Know-How team thinks we as a society could use a little more life-affirmation. So here’s our list of typical film synopses (those fact-filled summaries in movie trailers and DVD cases to entice your attention) and our improved alternatives.

Typical: When an innocent child is kidnapped and brutally murdered…
Instead, how about: When an innocent child concocts a brilliant way to create a faster-than-light-speed pan-dimensional space craft …

Not a romp: Two brothers, one a man-child, the other a divorced sex offender, decide to kill every single…
Maybe a romp: Two brothers, one a blue-collar sports fan, the other a successful but bored defense attorney, decide to build a rocket in their backyard…

Old: A trio of slutty housewives, who live double lives as prostitutes…
Fresh: A trio of intelligent, capable housewives, who live double lives as superhero crime-fighters…

Ho-hum: In the shadowy underworld of sleek, teen, vampire assassins…
Uh, sure. We’ll try it: In the shadowy pre-dawn world of sleek, teen, long-distance runners in training… (okay, maybe not, but we need something new here)

Role models for our children?: In this gross-out teen raunch-fest, we watch a group of boring, brainless morons fail over and over to have a sexual experience…
Do they make these anymore?: In this funny teen comedy about rising above the exaggerated trials of modern adolescence…

😦 Two cops, one a schizophrenic gun-nut, the other a suicidal misanthrope…
🙂 Two cops, one a jazz pianist, the other a father of eight…

I don’t get it. Maybe that means it’s deep: This symbolic adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey follows a brawny, bearded white man as he sails around the world chopping up people, set to the music of modern dubstep artists…
Why read the book?: This refreshing adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey follows an aging substitute teacher as she navigates the absurdities of a modern high school, set to the music of artists from the 70s TV show Midnight Special

Wow, if this is your entertainment, then what…?: Watch as a sadistic serial killer leaves a trail of grotesque clues carved into his victims’ bodies as he travels the country hunting homeless people…
But are there explosions?: Watch as a jolly, compulsive do-gooder leaves a trail of service and kindness as he travels the country doing entertaining activities with interesting people…

Par: Two inner-city high school dropouts, one a drug dealer, the other a rapper and pimp, fight “the man”…
Has this ever been made?: Two inner-city high school seniors, one a fast-food employee working toward college, the other a youth-club volunteer, fight the social pressure…

Never had children: In this animated “family film” punctuated with disdainful sarcasm, unrelenting violence, and poop jokes…
Knows their children: In this well-scripted, sharply animated adventure with interesting, relatable characters you enjoy spending time with…

Wait, this is fiction?: Two congressmen, one a heroin-addicted womanizer, the other a hitman for the mob, struggle to keep their secrets hidden…
Definitely fiction: Two congresswomen from different sides of the aisle struggle to battle mindless party politicking and corrupt special-interest lobbyists to actually get something done…

Science? You mean, like, flashing lights and buttons?: In this sci-fi adventure, rugged astronauts have sex during an alien attack…
Whoa, actual science?!: In this sci-fi adventure, astronauts maintain an uneasy alliance with an alien race as they work together to achieve a stunning breakthrough in faster-than-light-speed pan-dimensional travel …

Advertisements

Five Worst Movies of 2013

9 Jan

Five Worst Movies of 2013

As with yesterday’s post about the Five Best Movies of 2013, these are my bold predictions concerning this year’s crop of wide-release movies, based on nothing but online summaries, movie posters, and my own overconfidence. Should these films actually turn out okay, I’ll apologize, though not very sincerely, and only if they come to me first and explain why they’re not making quality films like The Sound of Music. Each entry is followed by its category identifier so you can dismiss it with greater aplomb (e.g., “oh, that’s just an action trash sequel…”).

Passion—Established actresses in a lesbian relationship. Critics will applaud the “brave” (i.e., “naked”) performances, but find issue with the plot, pacing, characterization, or lack of chemistry between the leads. It will do well on Redbox/Netflix. [Category: Famous actresses try for artistic nudity]

Escape from Planet Earth—A-level talent wades through 90 tedious, animated minutes of tired cultural clichés, potty humor, and double-entendres (to distract the adults). It’ll make good money if critics are generous enough to label it “safe, standard fare.” [Uninspired computer animation with a marketing plan]

Fast & Furious 6—Hot cars, loose women, stylized violence. Part 6. Created to satiate certain (ahem) cultural needs. [Action trash sequel, numbered 3 or later]

Grown-Ups 2—Adam Sandler has never really needed to raise his cinematic sights above the lowest common denominator because that audience’s money is just as good as anyone else’s—and often more freely given. Score another few million bucks for consistency. [Aging actors telling dirty jokes to prove they’re still young-n-hip]

The Last Stand—Retired lawman has to defend innocent people with lots of gunfire. Features a crazy sidekick, a romantic interest much younger than him, and a token black man someplace. Oh, and the “real” authorities are arrogant and inept. Surely that’s ironic, coming from a former governor? Or perhaps not. [Old action hero complains about being old while killing countless bad guys to show he’s still manly]