Tag Archives: children

Happy National Detonation Day!

5 Jul

By guest blogger, Colby Smith. 

Ah, the 4th of July. The day we Americans celebrate our independence and freedom by blowing stuff up.

Wait, what? Shouldn’t we celebrate with parades and performances honoring our country?

Well, maybe a little, but our favorite part is when we teach the 10-year-old how to detonate a mini-grenade or fire a cannon, or reenact the War of Independence by using small tanks and Roman candles. And who could forget the semi-legal mortars? These are very important to our country. 

All in all, we are proud to live in  a home where we are legally allowed to show off our military power for the neighbors, after dousing the flaming roof, of course. 

25 Ways to Spend a Snow Day

10 Jan

Are your children home unexpectedly due to overwhelming snowfall, sheets of freezing rain, or a school district paranoid that some parent will sue them for $40 million dollars if their kid suffers “emotional distress” during a snowball fight on the way to school? Maximum Know-How has you covered.

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Here’s how to spend a snow day:

  1. Build a snow fort.
  2. Make snow angels.
  3. Create an army of deranged mutant killer monster snow goons.
  4. Achieve peace in the Middle East.
  5. Make a list of your 25 favorite songs.
  6. Walk to the local drug store and get a flu shot.
  7. Do a deep clean of all the bathrooms in your house.
  8. Anguish over the fact that you personally can’t stop global warming.
  9. Shovel your neighbor’s sidewalk and driveway.
  10. Make a list of your 25 favorite movies.
  11. Savor the multicultural joy of R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People” music video. Gotta love Kate.
  12. Rediscover the joy of Shrinky-Dinks.
  13. Work on the scale model of the USS Missouri that you’re building in your garage out of household recyclables.
  14. Add more cowbell.
  15. Make a list of your 25 favorite American presidents.
  16. Take down your Christmas decorations.
  17. Taste the fear of possibly being trapped in your house for a week straight by a record-breaking blizzard, knowing you’ve got nothing in the fridge except ketchup, lettuce, little packets of soy sauce, and several Tupperware containers filled with unrecognizable holiday leftovers.
  18. Memorize the Gettysburg address.
  19. Do some soul-searching about whether you should transfer your political allegiance to the Monster Raving Loony party.
  20. Make a list of 25 valid-sounding reasons to tell your boss about why you can’t make it in tomorrow, either.
  21. “Work from home” on your laptop (i.e., research vital social issues on Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube, TMZ, and Yahoo!’s OMG).
  22. Reevaluate your New Year’s resolutions.
  23. Achieve cold fusion.
  24. Plan a vacation to someplace quiet and peaceful, like Scotland or the Beqaa Valley.
  25. Make a list of 25 ways to spend a snow day.