Tag Archives: Facebook

Back-to-School Special: Hobbies for Traitors

27 Aug

Five activities to do while awaiting trial.

Well, the news has been pretty depressing, hasn’t it? Every day we read stuff like:

Bored Transgender Teen Kills Bees, Ignites Wildfire Near Mosque

Blames Obama for addiction to meth, GTA V

But it’s not like a humor blog to shy away from the big issues. Instead, we’re going to deliver five mini-lists ripped from the headlines to celebrate back-to-school week. Today’s commentary is directed at helping future Bradley Mannings as they sit in prison debating their gender:

Nine Better Things to Do While Awaiting Trial on Treason

  1. Lobby foreign countries to break you out of jail and provide asylum. Sweeten the deal by offering a cut of the royalties from the inevitable made-for-TV movie.
  2. Hack into the prosecution’s database and replace any incriminating evidence with trivia about Barbra Streisand movies.
  3. Bulk up.
  4. Polish the brass bits of your uniform so you look snappy during the sentencing.
  5. Send fan mail and campaign donations to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian embassy, London.
  6. Convince Red to get you a rock hammer, Bible, and Rita Hayworth poster.
  7. Translate the Harry Potter books into binary or Klingon.
  8. Make a pinhole camera and take selfies to post to your Facebook timeline.
  9. Apply for complimentary subscriptions to obscure magazines like Tool Photo, American Pet, and Famous, Unfortunately.
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2013: Resolutions You Can Use

3 Jan

New Year's Resolutions

Crisis: Just as you’re recovering from the holidays and girding yourself for the long winter ahead, you remember that you never made any New Year resolutions. Distraught at this tragic oversight, you cast around frantically looking for prepackaged promises you can drop on inquisitive friends—or your mother—when they subtly hint that your life could use some real change. Maximum Know-How has your back. Use our wonderfully vague resolutions, and then decide for yourself what the empty phrases really mean after the pressure is off.

What you say:

I’m going to expand my appreciation of foreign cultures.

What you’ll actually do (choose one, or write your own):

  • Sample the excellent international cuisine at Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
  • Take a foreign language class so you can talk to customer service representatives in their native tongue.
  • Watch Downton Abby.
  • Observe Canada. From a safe distance. Using binoculars.

 

I will live a more balanced lifestyle.

  • Spend one weekend a month camping in the wilderness sans technology. (Okay, maybe just try walking to the mailbox every day without your smartphone.)
  • Spend slightly more money than you earn, instead of spending much more than you earn.
  • For every hour spent immersed in simulated killing on your video game console, donate $10 to Doctors Without Borders (or spend 30 seconds playing a “wholesome” game, like Tetris).
  • Every time you click a web link about celebrity gossip, spend 10 minutes reading Plato.

 

I will pursue healthier relationships.

  • “Un-friend” any meth addicts, serial killers, or lobbyists for Big Oil from your Facebook account.
  • Communicate with family and friends via verbal exchanges instead of texts.
  • End your imaginary romance with Edward Cullen.
  • Find a new job that doesn’t make you sell anything, buy anything, or process anything, or sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or… process anything sold, bought, or processed. Or repair anything sold, bought, or processed.

 

I will grow as a person.

  • Move out of your parents’ house before your social security kicks in.
  • Regularly inject yourself with human growth hormone.
  • Finally decide that five years as a college sophomore is enough, and it’s time to start that band so you can move ahead with becoming an internationally famous rockstar.
  • Rid yourself of all money and possessions, take a pilgrimage to Uruguay, contract malaria, develop a heroin addiction, and then have the cartel gunmen drop you in an abandoned gas mine so you can discover for yourself what you’re really made of.

 

I will connect with my core spiritual nature.

  • Join a religion.
  • Start your own religion.
  • Learn the secret to spiritual contentment and eternal rewards for only $49.95 plus shipping and handling, plus you get a set of Blessed Communion steak knives at no additional cost!
  • Read and study the Old Testament, New Testament, Quran, Book of Mormon, the Vedas, and the teachings of Buddha, prayerfully ask God where to find truth, and then commit yourself to a life of selfless service. Or just watch Battlefield Earth again.

12 Excuses for Holiday Unhappiness

11 Dec

Image

Tis that most wonderful time of the year when our thoughts turn to generosity, service, redecorating, and contorting Christian traditions and pagan rituals into good reasons to spend money. But for some, even the glow of colorful lighting and the soothing sounds of holiday music and atheists gnashing their teeth don’t produce a warm, fuzzy feeling. These dreary misanthropes who find no satisfaction in the season—for whatever reason—are further harassed by insensitive friends rattling off “encouragement,” like “it’s the holidays, man! Cheer up! What’s your problem?”

To this neglected social minority, we at Maximum Know-How say “rejoice!” because here’s a list of 12 reasons to be unhappy at Christmas this year.

  1. Somewhere on the planet is an Islamic militant who wants to kill you.
  2. The Hobbit will not be as good as you hoped it would.
  3. Christmas reminds you of the velveteen rabbit.
  4. There are no Twilight films left to make, so you can’t devote more billable work time to fretting over whether they’ll be awesome or awful.
  5. America just lost a top military commander in a way that reinforces our government’s image as a tawdry, made-for-TV sex drama.
  6. Facebook’s privacy policy will likely change again soon, which means those hidden pictures of you at the naked frat keggar posted by your ex-friend will probably resurface for your kids and coworkers to see.
  7. The Star Wars legacy is now in the hands of a company that produced dozens of appalling direct-to-video sequels of their own classic animated features (including Cinderella III: A Twist in Time), plus five “features” based just on Tinker Bell. I mean, really?
  8. The world is running out of helium.
  9. Tomorrow’s date is 12/12/12, which means this is your last chance to live through a cool date like that until January 1, 2101. And it’s too late to plan something.
  10. Syria, Egypt, Iran, North Korea, etc.
  11. With organized labor taking another hit, business execs are struggling to find someone to blame for looting the economy. It might be you.
  12. The press is already hyping up the 2016 election.

Check back tomorrow for the lighter side of the coin: 12 reasons to be happy this holiday season.

Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate

2 Nov
  1. Read through the unending stream of partisan tirades posted by your Facebook friends, and then flip a coin.
  2. Watch primetime network television for three straight hours, and then vote for the candidate whose commercials have annoyed you the least.
  3. Consult the stars. Or at least the PACs.
  4. Don’t vote—just mug some unsuspecting voter as they leave the polling place to swipe their “I voted” sticker.
  5. Choose the candidate whom the majority of your peers support, so that you’ll still have friends after the election.
  6. Re-watch the debates to determine which “looked most presidential” during the pose, bicker, pander, evening wear, and swimsuit competitions.
  7. Wait until the election comes out on video.
  8. Vote for the candidate with the best wife.
  9. Dismiss the president as a mere figurehead, and move ahead with your plans to infiltrate the Quantum organization so you can truly influence how the country is being run.
  10. Decide which hyperbolic epithet you prefer being labeled as—“corrupt, racist bigot” (Romney voter) or “baby-killing, Stalinist welfare lifer” (Obama voter).
  11. Choose the one who had the better March Madness brackets during the last four years.
  12. Write in the name of someone who would actually BE a great president.