Tag Archives: Harry Potter

Back-to-School Special: Hobbies for Traitors

27 Aug

Five activities to do while awaiting trial.

Well, the news has been pretty depressing, hasn’t it? Every day we read stuff like:

Bored Transgender Teen Kills Bees, Ignites Wildfire Near Mosque

Blames Obama for addiction to meth, GTA V

But it’s not like a humor blog to shy away from the big issues. Instead, we’re going to deliver five mini-lists ripped from the headlines to celebrate back-to-school week. Today’s commentary is directed at helping future Bradley Mannings as they sit in prison debating their gender:

Nine Better Things to Do While Awaiting Trial on Treason

  1. Lobby foreign countries to break you out of jail and provide asylum. Sweeten the deal by offering a cut of the royalties from the inevitable made-for-TV movie.
  2. Hack into the prosecution’s database and replace any incriminating evidence with trivia about Barbra Streisand movies.
  3. Bulk up.
  4. Polish the brass bits of your uniform so you look snappy during the sentencing.
  5. Send fan mail and campaign donations to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian embassy, London.
  6. Convince Red to get you a rock hammer, Bible, and Rita Hayworth poster.
  7. Translate the Harry Potter books into binary or Klingon.
  8. Make a pinhole camera and take selfies to post to your Facebook timeline.
  9. Apply for complimentary subscriptions to obscure magazines like Tool Photo, American Pet, and Famous, Unfortunately.

10 Great Mega-Mashups for Movies

31 Jan

Harry Potter vs. X-men!

You may have missed this, but last summer’s The Avengers raked in a HUGE pile of money. The deal was, they assembled an odd assortment of superheroes and villains from different regions, eras, and even different planes of existence, tied them all together with some loose comic-book logic, and then let them loose to battle through the Big Apple. (I don’t know about you, but I’d expect New York by now to have developed some worthwhile defense against these ever-increasing extraterrestrial assaults.)

Anyway, I was scrolling down the list of the top moneymaking movies of all time and thought that if a mash-up of Marvel-only characters could be that successful, imagine what would happen if Hollywood tried out some cross-genre character sharing! Well, when it comes to creative endeavors, I’m certainly not above giving my two cents in exchange for a hefty consulting fee. So if you’re a forward-thinking entertainment exec seeking some preposterously plausible movie mash-up plot lines, check out these sure-fire winners. Then have your people call my people.

  1. Hermione finally tires of Ron’s stupidity and lack of manners and hooks up with Aragorn to hunt down and study the unique strain of muggles known as “mutants.”
  2. James Bond is brought in to the IMF as a consultant to investigate whether Jack Ryan has actually been on the take from communist-backed IRA holdovers his entire career. Unfortunately, Ethan Hunt loses the secret files (again) in Shanghai so 007 teams up with Po and the Furious Five to make things right.
  3. A hypothermic Jack Dawson is rescued moments before death by galactic hitchhiker Ford Prefect, who convinces his old drinking buddy, Scotty, to provide the duo temporary passage in the hold of the passing USS Enterprise. After escaping a vicious assault by the Cylons, Ford and Jack manage to finagle plum jobs at Fhloston Paradise.
  4. Edward Cullen reveals his REAL secret to Bella: He’s actually Gandalf on a secret mission from the Wizengamot to battle the Hulk and recover the lost seer stones of Rakaragnath… or something that sounds like that.
  5. Robin Hood, Hawkeye, Legolas, Katniss, and Princess Merida all attend a celebrity archery event. During the fundraising dinner, an unexpected visitor appears at their tableside with an ominous warning. The archers soon discover they all share a dark secret from their past, and must race against time to pay off the tax bill on the boarding school before the Adjustment Bureau completes foreclosure proceedings.
  6. When Andy Dufresne is reimprisoned at Shawshank on trumped up charges by a vengeful Mr. Tibbs, Hiller and Levinson race to upload a computer virus to crack the prison’s encrypted security codes so that Han Solo and the GI Joe team can rescue him.
  7. After inadvertently reintroducing genetically modified dinosaurs into the Indian subcontinent, Borat runs screaming to Endhiron to salvage the disaster, only to discover that Boba Fett has kidnapped the fifth element on a dare from Darth Maul. Then it’s up to Dr. Spock, Black Widow, and a semi-coherent Jason Bourne to save Private Ryan and the other evacuees from getting heartlessly disemboweled by velociraptors.
  8. Released from service at Downton for setting fire to the east wing to cover up his theft of the family silver, Thomas joins forces with a disgraced Loki to open a London nightclub-casino as a cover for their opium smuggling operation. But when they’re robbed by Ocean’s 14 just after taking possession of £4 billion of recently laundered Quantum funds, they find themselves on the run from a strung-out Nikita and her adopted apprentice, Princess Amidala.
  9. Sherlock Holmes challenges Captain Picard to a game of chess. A lifetime of restrained emotions from both of them boil over during the tense contest, exhibited as severe frowns, brooding facial expressions, and the occasional snappy remark.
  10. Having missed the collapse of modern civilization because they were both drunk in the Bahamas, Captain Jack and Ferris Bueller sail off to discover the last remaining bit of dry land, which is reportedly a jungle isle guarded by small, furry, bear-like creatures that worship alien androids. Along the way, they pick up a wild Bengal tiger with a map of the world embedded in its striping to form an unlikely trio of adventurers committed to assuring the future of mankind—assuming they can find some women along the way.