Tag Archives: Heart of Darkness

Appalling Theme Park Ideas

12 Nov

Books that should NOT be turned into family fun parks.

Welcome to Where's Waldo World! Toddlers this way...

When I learned about the potential of a Hunger Games theme park (“Bring your whole family to a magical place where you can slaughter children for entertainment!”), my mind naturally jumped to other tasteless literary theme park adaptations the world should definitely avoid.

Heart of Darkness Jungle Trek: Survive tropical diseases, deadly animals, killer natives, and mad cohorts long enough to capture or kill a power-drunk megalomaniac before he dismembers your family and sells your bones as branded tchotchkes at the gift shop.

Fahrenheit 451 Farms: Enjoy some book-burning good times with literary bonfires, random deadly attacks by robot dogs, and speedy overdose resuscitation. You can’t leave the venue until you memorize a novel of your choosing.

Where’s Waldo World: Separated families must locate all their members from among thousands of similarly dressed strangers. (Note: This park is not unlike Disneyland.)

Holyland: A Bible Adventure: Survive a fiery furnace, sell your sibling to nomads, build a raft in the wave pool before the cataclysmic flood is released (every 30 minutes), and demonstrate your bravery and stone-slinging skills against a giant homicidal sociopath in heavy armor.

Arrow to the Sun Adventure Park: Learn about the rich culture of the ancient Pueblo Indians, get shot into the sky on the Arrow Ride, then battle lions, snakes, bees, and electrocution on an artificial sun.

Dune Safari: Go on an exciting spice hunt while under a heavy Harkonnen laser barrage, wear stillsuits during 120-degree desert jogs as you flee giant attacking Worms with razor-sharp teeth, and invite the entire family to try the “humanity test” with a genuine replica black box and gom jabbar.

Tom Clancy Land: Celebrate the magic of the Cold War and America’s military-industrial complex by experiencing a nuclear reactor accident during an undersea submarine battle, enduring the Ebola adventure, and taking a ride in the Rapid Decompression chamber. And don’t forget to suit up for a raid against paramilitary narcotics traffickers in a Colombian jungle!

And of course, there’s always Maze Runner World, but that practically goes without saying. What are some other truly awful ideas?

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Lies, but Entertaining Lies

28 Jun

Twelve Hot Entertainment Rumors That You NEED to Read

Can it be true? Probably not.The Internet is at its most powerful when spreading wildly speculative and (often) preposterous stories (aka, “breaking news”). This traffic of tastylicious rumors—especially regarding pop entertainment—has created its own kind of cultural sideroom, where you can sit and wonder at the things somebody has said about media, its personalities, and the world at large.

So, under the guise of a social experiment, we’ve created some potent but ridiculous “media news” to see how far it can travel. We hope our “news” races across the planet, starting an unstoppable chain of spin-off “news” across the length and breadth of the Interwebs. So kick back and dig your teeth into some juicy nonsense, and don’t forget to spread the word.

Movies

  • Contrary to revisionist claims by director Francis Ford Coppola that Apocalypse Now was based on Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, it actually began as an adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew.
  • Thanks to groundbreaking camera, costume, and lighting tricks, Humphrey Bogart’s song-and-dance scene in Casablanca was actually performed by Fred Astaire, with the vocals dubbed in later. 
  • To prevent unnecessary waste of animal products, Sylvester Stallone’s “egg scene” in Rocky actually employed stunt yolks for every take.
  • While filming the time-jump scenes in Back to the Future, Michael J. Fox claimed to have actually seen the future, and predicted not only the dot-com bubble of the late 1990s but also the future market for flux capacitor–themed t-shirts, cufflinks, and refrigerator magnets. This is why he is a rich man today.
  • During the time fracture event just noted, a part of Michael J. Fox’s soul was sliced off and became Jason Bateman, which explains their eerily similar appearance, film choices (Teen Wolf  1 and 2), and the fact that they have never been professionally successful at the same time.
  • And speaking of Back to the Future, have you ever consider the possibility that Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow was a characterization not of Keith Richards but of Christopher Lloyd’s own Reverend Jim Ignatowski from Taxi.

 

Music

  • After AC/DC’s founding members pass away, their label will release the rejected demo recordings from the band’s “Billy Joel period.”
  • The unreleased Beach Boys album Smile was actually an appalling tapestry of drug-induced sound effects, including high-frequency whines, coughing, and bicycle chain noises set to the the rhythmic beating of animal carcasses. Even categorizing it as “experimental” couldn’t make it marketable, so the label shelved it.
  • Rihanna and Adele and Beyoncé are actually three manifestations of the same personage. That’s why none of them has a last name.
  • Justin Bieber has consulted with a leading plastic surgeon about revolutionary new medical procedures that would make himself look more like Lady Gaga. Alas.
  • The Sugarhill Gang got the bass line for their hit “Rapper’s Delight” from Queen bassist Roger Deacon, who borrowed it from Vanilla Ice, who “adapted” it from Chic’s Nile Rodgers, who stole it from my uncle Phil, who grew up with Nile in a small ranch community south of Provo, Utah. Phil and Nile haven’t spoken since.
  • It’s not that Paul is dead; in fact, he never existed.

 Now it’s your turn to spread the word. Shout a metaphorical, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” from the rooftop that is Twitter/Facebook/Instagram. And feel free to propose your own juicy tidbit. Thanks in advance—Michael J. Fox already told us how well the experiment turns out.