Tag Archives: Iran

Secret Details of the Iranian Nuclear Treaty

26 Nov

What the Mullahs and the P5+1 don’t want you to know.


After decades of deadlock and distrust, the country of Iran has signed an international agreement to limit its nuclear program in exchange for lightened economic sanctions. Fearing it’s just a sinister plot by hardline Islamists to drive up the price of oil, the Maximum Know-How team dug into the shocking political trade-offs hidden in the fine print.

Twelve Surprising Requirements of the Iranian Treaty

  1. Iran will finally get its own version of American Idol.
  2. It turns out that several popular revolutionary slogans and terms like “The Great Satan” are registered trademarks of the U.S. State Department, and Iran must henceforth pay licensing fees for their use in government-approved propaganda, religious tracts, candidate marketing, t-shirts, etc.
  3. For the next 10 years, the global press has to blame someone besides Iran for political instability in the Middle East. Someone like… Belgium.
  4. Hezbollah may continue representing itself as a social services charity, but must clearly indicate—on packaging, collateral, advertising, televised messages, press releases, websites, office premises, funeral placards, etc.—a sort of “Surgeon General’s Warning” along the lines of “Hezbollah seeks the obliteration of Israel, the destruction of the United States, and the spiteful murder of anyone who disagrees with us.”
  5. The Korean cultural attaché must guarantee free Iranian access to the latest releases by PSY, Girls’ Generation, and other global K-Pop acts.
  6. Iranian leaders don’t have to touch female foreign diplomats during state visits.
  7. The Iranian president is still allowed to use the future perfect verb tense when referring to Israel (“When the hated Zionists will have succumbed to us in World Cup qualifying…”).
  8. Iranian political leaders must pass an accredited Religious Tolerance 101 class and all other world leaders must pass a history class about the Western Crusades into the Middle East. Just so everyone has some perspective.
  9. The Iranian government must subsidize its own domestic women’s organizations, such as the Society of Women Against Twerking (SWAT), Excitable Revelers for the Ayatollah (ERA), and the Ladies’ Extremely Trustworthy Middle Eastern Division of Religious Independence and Vehicular Equality (LETMEDRIVE).
  10. International trade regulations must be modified to help Iranian manufacturers enter the global market (for program specifics, contact the Iranian Research Organization for Science and Technology or the Persian Camel-Hair Carpet Weavers Local 409).
  11. President Rouhani must ask permission prior to nuking neighboring countries (yeah, you know who we’re talking about). Plus, Iraq and Afghanistan are totally off limits until world opinion no longer holds America responsible for what happens there.
  12. The most impoverished class of citizens in Tehran must register with the healthcare exchange before March 31, 2014, or face severe fines.

Back-to-School Special: The Fading Buzz

27 Aug

Top reasons the planet’s bees are dying. 

 Julian has the truth

We’re celebrating back-to-school week here at Maximum Know-How by spinning some fresh perspective out of the depressing headlines of recent weeks. In yesterday’s post, we avoided discussing how mental illness has nothing to do with cross-gender identification (unless making that link reduces your prison sentence), and today we move on to a global environmental crisis that you can do nothing about.

Seven Possible Reasons the Bees Are Dying

  1. It’s a CIA plot to instigate war with Iran.  
  2. I keep running over them with my lawn mower.
  3. They don’t have a decent PR rep, social media platform, or even celebrity backers.
  4. Bob Woodward turned stolen internal records into a scandalous tell-all called The Private Hive. Now the bees with any sense of dignity are too ashamed to leave the apiary.
  5. Since the 2008 recession, the board of directors for Global Bee, Inc., has been dramatically cutting staff to raise the market value of services, thereby increasing stock return.
  6. Bee populations have declined in direct proportion to the widening prevalence of paint-by-number teen-pop music. If you catch our drift.
  7. We are witnessing the throes of a vicious union labor dispute, wherein wasps are moving in on major pollen-gathering operations. The true details of the “missing” bees is actually pretty unpleasant. 

20 Random Things to Have an Opinion About

12 Mar

20 questions, volume 1

Are you a conversational pushover? Do loud, obnoxious people give you grief about not being able to hold your own in a serious discussion? Are you looking for obscure issues to have concrete opinions about, so you can trick people into thinking you have intellectual depth?

Maximum Know-How is here for you, with this premier edition of 20 issues—some of them even currently relevant—that you can think about now so that you’re ready with a snappy observation should the topic ever arise in a social setting.

  1. Most dangerous: Iran or- North Korea?
  2. Least trustworthy: China –or- Russia?
  3. Lance Armstrong: Devious jerk –or- moral leper?
  4. Whose Line is back: Are you “ecstatic” –or- “euphoric”?
  5. Pepper Pots –or- Natasha Romanoff?
  6. Obamacare: President’s sincere attempt to improve our healthcare system –or- pushing wholesale socialism with his eyes wide shut?
  7. Bee Gees –or- Beach Boys?
  8. Rotten Tomatoes –or- IMDB?
  9. Loss of Olympic wrestling: IOC corruption –or- cultural shift?
  10. Doctor Whoor- Downton Abbey?
  11. Joe Flacco’s $120.6 million contract: Totally worth it –or- Totally ludicrous?
  12. Sequester: Typical political grandstanding –or- Brilliant, under-the-counter way for both sides to cut the budget drastically while getting to blame the other party?
  13. A-Rod’s fading career: End of an era –or- It’s about time?
  14. Adele’s “Skyfall” wins Oscar: Best Bond tune ever –or- Academy’s 50th b-day gift to the franchise?
  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hang ‘em up –or- keep on shooting?
  16. Senator Rand Paul’s filibuster: A bold statement for civil rights –or- “I thought his name was Ron Paul”?
  17. Pixar: Death throes –or- just in a rut?
  18. More Bourne –or- more Mission: Impossible?
  19. New pope: Heavenly selection –or- political appointment?
  20. Daily Show’s Stewart going on hiatus: The man needs a vacation from fake news –or- What do you mean it’s not real?

Naughty-Naughty, North Korea—Why Can’t You Behave?

14 Dec

Naughty North KoreaSo, the North Korean leadership is in attention-getting mode again, launching their rockets and spouting off unprovoked threats about turning the world into a sea of fire. While we’ve come to expect this sort of behavior, it’s still vital that we not drop to their level—even though we Americans can get really worked up over this sort of thing. To help out, we here at Maximum Know-How have put together a list of twelve immature political responses to the North Korean rocket launch we should NOT do, even if you really want to:

  • Launch our own rocket right off their territorial waters to see how they like it.
  • Go kick around some broken down South American dictatorship to help us feel powerful.
  • Spread a nasty rumor on Facebook that Kim Jong-un prefers Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over anything Beyonce’s done.
  • Bully Netflix into “accidentally” canceling the supreme leader’s subscription.
  • Lace the country’s food aid with laxatives.
  • Dump a whole bunch of green food coloring into the Taedong river.
  • Tell them off publicly in the world press, then go back to our room and listen to angry Metallica songs until falling asleep in our clothes.
  • Call up China and tell ‘em they deserve someone better as a regional ally.
  • Order a missile system online and have it overnighted to the Midwest just to demonstrate how much wealthier we are.
  • Invade.
  • Bean the lead-off batter of their national baseball team at the next Olympics.
  • Detonate concussion bombs over Pyongyang, and then justify ourselves to the UN by saying that the North Koreans started it, plus Iran set us up to take the blame.