Tag Archives: Lance Armstrong

20 Random Things to Have an Opinion About

12 Mar

20 questions, volume 1

Are you a conversational pushover? Do loud, obnoxious people give you grief about not being able to hold your own in a serious discussion? Are you looking for obscure issues to have concrete opinions about, so you can trick people into thinking you have intellectual depth?

Maximum Know-How is here for you, with this premier edition of 20 issues—some of them even currently relevant—that you can think about now so that you’re ready with a snappy observation should the topic ever arise in a social setting.

  1. Most dangerous: Iran or- North Korea?
  2. Least trustworthy: China –or- Russia?
  3. Lance Armstrong: Devious jerk –or- moral leper?
  4. Whose Line is back: Are you “ecstatic” –or- “euphoric”?
  5. Pepper Pots –or- Natasha Romanoff?
  6. Obamacare: President’s sincere attempt to improve our healthcare system –or- pushing wholesale socialism with his eyes wide shut?
  7. Bee Gees –or- Beach Boys?
  8. Rotten Tomatoes –or- IMDB?
  9. Loss of Olympic wrestling: IOC corruption –or- cultural shift?
  10. Doctor Whoor- Downton Abbey?
  11. Joe Flacco’s $120.6 million contract: Totally worth it –or- Totally ludicrous?
  12. Sequester: Typical political grandstanding –or- Brilliant, under-the-counter way for both sides to cut the budget drastically while getting to blame the other party?
  13. A-Rod’s fading career: End of an era –or- It’s about time?
  14. Adele’s “Skyfall” wins Oscar: Best Bond tune ever –or- Academy’s 50th b-day gift to the franchise?
  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hang ‘em up –or- keep on shooting?
  16. Senator Rand Paul’s filibuster: A bold statement for civil rights –or- “I thought his name was Ron Paul”?
  17. Pixar: Death throes –or- just in a rut?
  18. More Bourne –or- more Mission: Impossible?
  19. New pope: Heavenly selection –or- political appointment?
  20. Daily Show’s Stewart going on hiatus: The man needs a vacation from fake news –or- What do you mean it’s not real?

Bad Valentine’s Day Gifts

7 Feb

23 items you should definitely NOT give your significant other

Bad Valentine's Day Gifts

Valentine’s Day is only a week away, so it’s time to start thinking of the perfect offering to hand your loved one next Thursday. For those people who tend toward last-minute panic buying—for example, those who race to the local drug store at 11:30 the night before trying to remember their companion’s favorite type of candy bar—Maximum Know-How has your back. We understand that panicked procrastinators often practice poor decision-making in the heat of the moment, thinking that a really bad gift idea will be just the thing to show their love and devotion. To help protect these vulnerable shoppers from (usually well-deserved) post–Valentine’s Day wrath, we offer this list of what not to give on Valentine’s Day—even if it’s on sale and you can find it fast.

  1. Coupon for a free consultation at the weight-loss center
  2. Vacation tour package to Damascus
  3. Lance Armstrong–related collectibles
  4. Composting worm farm that fits under the bed
  5. Your Christmas wish list
  6. Bouquet of artificial flowers (“Now we never have to waste money on fresh ones again!”)
  7. PB&J sandwich, even if it’s on “savory buttermilk” bread
  8. Your favorite children’s picture book
  9. Self-published, psuedo-celebrity nonfiction (e.g., Beyonce’s Guide to the Illuminati, The Complete Lindsay Lohan Court Transcripts)
  10. Tickets to Super Bowl XLVII
  11. Bulletproof ski mask
  12. Gift basket of leftover fast-food condiment packets (ketchup, hot sauce, etc.)
  13. Half-burnt candles
  14. Household cleaning supplies
  15. Cheap collection of knock-off music covers (Greatest Hits of the 80’s—Dubstep Style! reimagined by DJ Snazzy Biff and his Uptown Homeys Orchestra)
  16. A Voldemort mask
  17. Frozen vegetables
  18. Bank bag of dye-stained money (“No, I don’t hear a bullhorn”)
  19. Meth
  20. A large, dead, game animal ready for butchering
  21. Economy basket of pre-loved stuffed animals from the thrift store
  22. Do-it-yourself tattoo kit
  23. Nothing (“I refuse to contribute to global warming by surrendering to the mindless consumerism of some pseudo-religious, nationalized marketing conspiracy”)

Lance Armstrong’s Ride to Repentance

22 Jan

Lance Armstrong's career options

Artificial cycling phenom Lance Armstrong has created for himself an unenviable public relations disaster. After decades of publicly and insistently lying about his use of PEDs, after decades of screaming “witch hunt!” at the sport’s governing bodies—taunting them for their long-running failure to nail him—and after decades of sincere deceit to fans around the world (no doubt jeering at them as he rolled in their money and admiration), he’s suddenly assuming the “contrition pose” and seeking easy forgiveness.

But we’re not talking about some impromptu misstatement or temporary career diversion. We’re talking seven consecutive wins of the world’s premier cycling event. He didn’t cheat just to get an edge in a tight race, or make a bad decision in a moment of great pressure. This was premeditated, coordinated, devoted dishonesty over several years so he could dominate over and over and over.

Understandably, even a mea culpa chat with Oprah did him little good.

So where does he go from here? Here’s some sincere advice from Maximum Know-How.

Five tactics that will NOT improve Lance Armstrong’s public image.

  1. Hook up with Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds to open a Wall Street investment firm dealing in subprime mortgages and debt-related derivatives.
  2. Travel the country speaking to school children about how cheating and lying isn’t worth it because it will only bring you decades of fame, wealth, and popularity. And if you get caught you still get to be on television regularly with famous people, and then travel the country without ever getting a real job. Also, charging the children for autographs.
  3. Run for public office on a law-and-order ticket, including a pre-campaign stint as a conservative talk-show host.
  4. End his retirement from cycling (again) and participate in amateur events on what he calls the “Tour de Redemption.”
  5. Sue USADA for discrimination against immoral people. Sue the International Cycling Union and United States Postal Service for aiding and abetting a felony. Sue Jan Ullrich for emotional distress caused by his unfair athletic excellence (or for having a competitively efficient doping program, whichever).

Five ways Lance Armstrong can improve his public image.

  1. Disappear from public life. Work the graveyard shift at Kmart stocking shelves, cleaning floors, and polishing the blue light. During smoke breaks he could entertain coworkers Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis by singing Sheryl Crow songs.
  2. Devote lancearmstrong.com to telling the story of a genuine American cycling legend, Greg Lemond, including the spectacular 1989 tour win.
  3. Join ABC Sports as a color commentator for unrelated athletic events, like Olympic diving. Or curling. This would involve a toupe.
  4. Change his name to Donald Rumsfeld and move to Iraq.
  5. Get a job plugging embarrassing personal products on late-night television. “I’m not a champion cyclist, but I used to play one on TV. Let’s talk about diarrhea control….”