Tag Archives: North Korea

10 Reasons Dennis Rodman Visits North Korea

15 Jan

North Korea is having a tough 2014. Not only do they have Frontline on their case, but they’ve been reduced to using a basketball celebrity as a PR tool—again. The Maximum Know-How team is convinced that there’s more to these odd visits than just money changing hands, so we’ve devised some possible explanations for Rodman’s visits to the secret state.

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  1. Rodman is going through the interview process to replace uncle Jang Song Thaek, the recently executed second-in-command.
  2. The visits are actually a U.S. State Department conspiracy to trick Kim Jong Un into promoting Rodman as a role model for North Korean youth, thereby destroying the nation’s hope for a future.
  3. It’s all a North Korean ploy to scare its youth into rapt obedience to the regime: “THIS is what you’ll look and act like unless Kim Jong Un protects you!”
  4. Rodman is acting as an emissary for NBA commissioner David Stern, who is on the lookout for a host-city franchise expansion opportunity.
  5. Someone in Rodman’s camp keeps confusing “North Korea” with “North Carolina” when booking travel arrangements.
  6. Rodman is auditioning to become a UN Goodwill Ambassador in the hope of meeting fellow-ambassador Angelina Jolie.
  7. Rodman is actually a talent scout for the next K-Pop superstar.
  8. The fees paid to Rodman and his fellow b-ballers actually come from South Korea, because promoting these ridiculous visits is the only way Seoul can get the American public, press, and politicians to pay attention to this international threat.
  9. Kim Jong Un has always been a great fan of Rodman’s boa collection.
  10. Rodman never has to worry about his “friend for life” calling him “the worm.”
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20 Random Things to Have an Opinion About

12 Mar

20 questions, volume 1

Are you a conversational pushover? Do loud, obnoxious people give you grief about not being able to hold your own in a serious discussion? Are you looking for obscure issues to have concrete opinions about, so you can trick people into thinking you have intellectual depth?

Maximum Know-How is here for you, with this premier edition of 20 issues—some of them even currently relevant—that you can think about now so that you’re ready with a snappy observation should the topic ever arise in a social setting.

  1. Most dangerous: Iran or- North Korea?
  2. Least trustworthy: China –or- Russia?
  3. Lance Armstrong: Devious jerk –or- moral leper?
  4. Whose Line is back: Are you “ecstatic” –or- “euphoric”?
  5. Pepper Pots –or- Natasha Romanoff?
  6. Obamacare: President’s sincere attempt to improve our healthcare system –or- pushing wholesale socialism with his eyes wide shut?
  7. Bee Gees –or- Beach Boys?
  8. Rotten Tomatoes –or- IMDB?
  9. Loss of Olympic wrestling: IOC corruption –or- cultural shift?
  10. Doctor Whoor- Downton Abbey?
  11. Joe Flacco’s $120.6 million contract: Totally worth it –or- Totally ludicrous?
  12. Sequester: Typical political grandstanding –or- Brilliant, under-the-counter way for both sides to cut the budget drastically while getting to blame the other party?
  13. A-Rod’s fading career: End of an era –or- It’s about time?
  14. Adele’s “Skyfall” wins Oscar: Best Bond tune ever –or- Academy’s 50th b-day gift to the franchise?
  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hang ‘em up –or- keep on shooting?
  16. Senator Rand Paul’s filibuster: A bold statement for civil rights –or- “I thought his name was Ron Paul”?
  17. Pixar: Death throes –or- just in a rut?
  18. More Bourne –or- more Mission: Impossible?
  19. New pope: Heavenly selection –or- political appointment?
  20. Daily Show’s Stewart going on hiatus: The man needs a vacation from fake news –or- What do you mean it’s not real?

Naughty-Naughty, North Korea—Why Can’t You Behave?

14 Dec

Naughty North KoreaSo, the North Korean leadership is in attention-getting mode again, launching their rockets and spouting off unprovoked threats about turning the world into a sea of fire. While we’ve come to expect this sort of behavior, it’s still vital that we not drop to their level—even though we Americans can get really worked up over this sort of thing. To help out, we here at Maximum Know-How have put together a list of twelve immature political responses to the North Korean rocket launch we should NOT do, even if you really want to:

  • Launch our own rocket right off their territorial waters to see how they like it.
  • Go kick around some broken down South American dictatorship to help us feel powerful.
  • Spread a nasty rumor on Facebook that Kim Jong-un prefers Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over anything Beyonce’s done.
  • Bully Netflix into “accidentally” canceling the supreme leader’s subscription.
  • Lace the country’s food aid with laxatives.
  • Dump a whole bunch of green food coloring into the Taedong river.
  • Tell them off publicly in the world press, then go back to our room and listen to angry Metallica songs until falling asleep in our clothes.
  • Call up China and tell ‘em they deserve someone better as a regional ally.
  • Order a missile system online and have it overnighted to the Midwest just to demonstrate how much wealthier we are.
  • Invade.
  • Bean the lead-off batter of their national baseball team at the next Olympics.
  • Detonate concussion bombs over Pyongyang, and then justify ourselves to the UN by saying that the North Koreans started it, plus Iran set us up to take the blame.

12 Things to Be Happy About This Christmas

13 Dec

Happy

Yesterday’s post lent support to the gloomy among us, but today’s is for the other half. If you’re the kind that insists on being happy even when surrounded by the Eeyores of the world, we here at Maximum Know-How will boost your spirits with 12 reasons to be happy this holiday season:

  1. After we topple off the fiscal cliff, you won’t be wealthy enough to be subject to tax increases for the rich.
  2. Notre Dame football is good again. (I’m sure this is making someone happy.)
  3. On this great planet of ours, at this very moment, someone, somewhere is… recycling.
  4. Palestine has been declared a state, so we should be seeing that conflict wrap up pretty quick.
  5. It’s time to watch It’s a Wonderful Life again.
  6. The Pope is on Twitter. Or at least his press team is.
  7. You’re not crouched in a muddy, icy foxhole in Germany under constant artillery barrage during the winter of 1944–45.
  8. If you enjoy singing in groups, you can join the “global chorus of condemnation” over North Korea’s missile launch.
  9. You no longer have to endure the temptation of Hostess-brand snack cakes every time you’re at the grocery store.
  10. Playing “casual games” on a cell phone has not yet been proven to cause cancer, so you’re safe with that so far.
  11. Vinyl albums are still cool.
  12. Mitt Romney got a job, so you can stop worrying about that.