Tag Archives: Obama

Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.


Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.

Still Undecided? 12 Ways to Choose a Presidential Candidate

2 Nov
  1. Read through the unending stream of partisan tirades posted by your Facebook friends, and then flip a coin.
  2. Watch primetime network television for three straight hours, and then vote for the candidate whose commercials have annoyed you the least.
  3. Consult the stars. Or at least the PACs.
  4. Don’t vote—just mug some unsuspecting voter as they leave the polling place to swipe their “I voted” sticker.
  5. Choose the candidate whom the majority of your peers support, so that you’ll still have friends after the election.
  6. Re-watch the debates to determine which “looked most presidential” during the pose, bicker, pander, evening wear, and swimsuit competitions.
  7. Wait until the election comes out on video.
  8. Vote for the candidate with the best wife.
  9. Dismiss the president as a mere figurehead, and move ahead with your plans to infiltrate the Quantum organization so you can truly influence how the country is being run.
  10. Decide which hyperbolic epithet you prefer being labeled as—“corrupt, racist bigot” (Romney voter) or “baby-killing, Stalinist welfare lifer” (Obama voter).
  11. Choose the one who had the better March Madness brackets during the last four years.
  12. Write in the name of someone who would actually BE a great president.