Back-to-School Special: The Fading Buzz

Top reasons the planet’s bees are dying. 

 

We’re celebrating back-to-school week here at Maximum Know-How by spinning some fresh perspective out of the depressing headlines of recent weeks. In yesterday’s post, we avoided discussing how mental illness has nothing to do with cross-gender identification (unless making that link reduces your prison sentence), and today we move on to a global environmental crisis that you can do nothing about.

Seven Possible Reasons the Bees Are Dying

1. It’s a CIA plot to instigate war with Iran.  
2. I keep running over them with my lawn mower.
3. They don’t have a decent PR rep, social media platform, or even celebrity backers.
4. Bob Woodward turned stolen internal records into a scandalous tell-all called The Private Hive. Now the bees with any sense of dignity are too ashamed to leave the apiary.
5. Since the 2008 recession, the board of directors for Global Bee, Inc., has been dramatically cutting staff to raise the market value of services, thereby increasing stock return.
6. Bee populations have declined in direct proportion to the widening prevalence of paint-by-number teen-pop music. If you catch our drift.
7. We are witnessing the throes of a vicious union labor dispute, wherein wasps are moving in on major pollen-gathering operations. The true details of the “missing” bees is actually pretty unpleasant.