Tag Archives: wildfires

Back-to-School Special: Leveraging Widespread Destruction

30 Aug

Finding benefit from the wildfires out west.

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So, yesterday I tried to solve the problem of wildfires in the western U.S. by suggesting that the Pentagon spend their time attacking fires instead of Syria. But since that’s apparently a no-go option with the military brass, we here at Maximum Know-How have some ways to use the blazes for our collective advantage.

Top eight uses for wildfires:

  1. Export the flaming forests to the south pole to warm up the researchers, and so we can kick-start this global-warming phenomenon instead of spending years listening to a long, drawn-out political debates about whether it’s real or not.  
  2. Lease the more hellish environments to self-awareness gurus who charge clients piles of money for the chance to experience horrific physical ordeals in the name of achieving a spiritual rejuvenation.
  3. Since we’ve got a fire anyway, let’s divert the country’s junk mail into it.
  4. Blow all that smoke over to Damascus so the al-Assad government and the rebels can’t find and kill each other. (Bonus: Maybe that’ll make Syria too hard for the Pentagon to find and invade.)
  5. Sell tickets to disaster tourists.
  6. Grind up all the charred wood and sell it as an aphrodisiac in China.
  7. Start a line of mail-order designer camping clothing that arrives at your house already smelling like campfire smoke!
  8. Contact Peter Jackson to fly up and get some images of “The Desolation of Smaug” just in time to help market the upcoming release, coming to a theater near you.

Back-to-School Special: Operation “Do Something Else”

29 Aug

Ten ways to distract the Pentagon from Syria.

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Good heavens, the Pentagon is preparing to invade yet another Middle Eastern country already besieged by corruption, violence, religious conflict, and terrorism. Can’t they think of anything better to do with our military forces? No? Well, I can.

 Ten things the Pentagon can do instead of invading Syria:

  1. Take another crack at Afghanistan to see if the country improves with yet another invasion by a world power. Eighteenth time’s the charm, right?
  2. Ship the troops to the Mountain West states to help put out the 30-odd wildfires raging there.
  3. Send a crack squad of “negotiators” to Arab League headquarters to convince them to deal with their own member states and not to blame the U.S. for whatever does or does not happen there.
  4. Guard our nation’s elementary schools (against, for example, One Direction merchandise).
  5. Focus on decreasing its budget from “colossal” to merely “gigantic.”
  6. Practice some special ops maneuvers on crack houses—they can start on the one down the street from me.
  7. Conduct a surprise invasion of a politically stable ally, just for fun.
  8. Rescue those people still stranded in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina.
  9. Consult congress before starting another war—even if they insist on labeling it as merely an “operation,” “maneuver,” or “intervention.”
  10. Play a few rounds of RISK or Axis & Allies to satiate their hunger for conquest.