The Five Safest Places to Live

22 Dec

Seeking a trouble-free home

Every time there’s an earthquake, hurricane, flood, tornado, national election, or alien invasion, people reevaluate their lives and locations, and look around for someplace better to live and raise their families. I also went through this process recently and, like most of you, ended up looking into the employment opportunities available in Wagga Wagga, Australia. This, of course, is based on the understandable belief that nothing bad could ever happen in a place with a name like that. Alas, it was not the Eden I expected.

So for today’s post I did some research—or at least pretended to—and uncovered the five safest places to live.

New Zealand: Tons of online lists name “the land of the long, white cloud” as the safest place to live, citing low crime rates, few natural disasters, rich native culture, cool city names like Tauranga and Whangarei, a Hobbit-oriented tourist economy, and the nickname “kiwi.” Of course, these listmakers—no doubt on the take from the national tourism board—never mention New Zealand’s malevolent kias or giant wild boars, but if you stay in the cities you should be okay.

Your imagination: Granted, this locale can get pretty harrowing at times if you focus too much on the clutter in the dark recesses, but it will always be one of the most easily manageable—as long as you don’t leave the premises too often. Not only is the upkeep surprisingly inexpensive, there’s a full staff of carpenters, interior decorators, landscape architects, and even musical composers on hand to retrofit your living experience per your every whim.

Tom Bombadil’s house: This blissful location is always filled with good humor, excellent food, lovely décor, supernatural protection against ringwraiths, and the finest host and hostess you can possibly imagine. So hey! Come merry dol! derry dol! My darling!, and prance on past the Pony for an eternity of lively living.

Switzerland, early 1600s AD: I got this tip from Harry Lime (thanks, buddy!). According to dozens of unreliable websites all apparently using the same unsourceable quote, the Swiss decided to sit out the Thirty Years War plaguing Europe and spent a few decades as “‘an oasis of peace and prosperity’ (Grimmelhausen).” Brittanica.com confirms that Switzerland was a peaceful place back then (though it did not include such a conveniently descriptive phrase as Grimmelhausen’s) and notes that timekeeping was pretty popular.

International Space Station: Exclusive, quiet, superb views, zero crime, international flavor, the most technologically advanced amenities, and an outdoor experience like no other. But act fast—your investment window is closing rapidly!

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6 Responses to “The Five Safest Places to Live”

  1. moviewriternyu December 22, 2012 at 12:29 am #

    I’d like a recount. I believe that the pit in my sub cellar should be on the list. No one’s ever escaped from…I mean no one’s ever gotten lost down there…

    • Maximum Know-How December 22, 2012 at 1:20 am #

      Ah, perhaps we should nail down the definition of “safe”…

      • moviewriternyu December 22, 2012 at 1:44 am #

        I find that nailing things down often prevents them from getting lost…

  2. Ned's Blog December 22, 2012 at 12:49 am #

    LOL! Yeah, thanks for the tip on the wild boars. Is there any way I could land the space station in Switzerland? Sounds like the best of both worlds; great chocolate and a cool space suit.

    • Maximum Know-How December 22, 2012 at 1:27 am #

      At this point, I bet NASA will facilitate any sincere offer on the ISS. So maybe get Richard Branson to tow it down for you and then you guys could work out some sort of Zurich timeshare deal.

      • Ned's Blog December 23, 2012 at 4:13 am #

        I suppose you’re right. It’s probably only a matter of time before the ISS is on e-Bay.

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